


I Can't Wait For You Anymore

by Africana123



Series: The Things We Left Behind [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke Griffin Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, F/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-07-23 21:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Africana123/pseuds/Africana123
Summary: The Primes have fallen, Sanctum has been freed, Spacekru has been reunited, and Clarke comes to an important realization: She can't keep waiting for her family to come down from the ring.





	1. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day

Clarke sat on the bottom of the steps to Sanctum's castle watching as the fires caused by the rebellion were put out, the dead were disposed of, and people searching for their loved ones were reunited. She didn't really know when she sat down here or even really why she did, maybe it was the relief at no longer needing to pretend to be Josephine that caused her to sink down to rest the moment she realized the battle was over. Maybe it was the joy of finally saving her people without the great personal cost situations like this always seemed to cost her. Or, more likely, it was Spacekru reuniting in the distance, holding each other and crying out as each member of their family came back to them without serious injury.

It was a touching reunion, to be sure. But it was also one that gave Clarke the distinct feeling that it would end if she tried to join in. Of course, she knew that most, if not all, would be happy that she was alive. They'd probably even be grateful that she helped bring down the Primes. Maybe some would even hug her when they saw her, probably Madi and Bellamy, maybe even Echo. Bellamy had told her how ready Echo had been to go to war when she found out how Clarke had died. And Clarke _had_ died. It didn't matter that Clarke was still alive, she had felt herself die. Felt herself become nothing, only to suddenly become _something_ again. And sitting there on the steps of Sanctum, surrounded by people but feeling as lonely as she did during those six goddamned years made her wish, just a little, that she hadn't been brought back. That after spending years of her life fighting and suffering, the world would have just let her rest. Hadn't she sacrificed enough of herself? Hadn't she carried this burden long enough? Was that so much to ask for? Some peace? Didn't she, out of everyone, deserve to just die and stay dead?

Was it weird that she missed Josephine? Just a little bit?

Yes, Josephine was by far the most unsettling rival Clarke had ever had the displeasure to fight against. Yes, having Josephine in her head made Clarke miss the simple days when Allie was her biggest concern. But - and believe me, Clarke was tired of having to always justify and acknowledge the buts in her life - but, Josephine was also the nicest reprieve Clarke had ever experience. Clarke might've helped end the world, or had slayed the mountain, or had been on the wrong side of history many times, but at least she did it for the greater good, no matter how little that excuse helped comfort her when all was said and done. Josephine, though, was evil. Maybe not in the way some of her past adversaries were, but Josephine cared only for herself; refused to sacrifice her own wellbeing; did awful things and walked away feeling no guilt or remorse. In some sick way, it was validating for Clarke to see someone who was exactly what her friends accused her of being and know without a doubt that while Clarke was many things, she was not _that_.

"Mind if I sit here?" someone asked over her shoulder.

Clarke twisted her head to see who it was and wasn't surprised to see Gabriel. She shrugged and looked away as he dropped down next to her.

"How'd you get that?" she asked, vaguely gesturing to a still bleeding gash across his forehead. 

"Ahh, umm Layla, Xavier's sister, couldn't resist getting a punch in. It's only fair, I guess."

Clarke snorted, "It's not like you choose to come back."

"Yes, well, she doesn't see it that way." 

Clarke turned to look at him, "Can I ask you a question?"

Gabriel studied her for a second then shrugged, "I guess that's only fair, as well, considering everything you've done for my people."

"Why did you choose me over Josephine? I mean, you _loved_ her. Like, really loved her. And she loved you, for centuries."

Gabriel was quiet for a long time. He sat there besides her staring out at Sanctum for so long that Clarke thought that maybe he wouldn't answer. 

But he did. "Besides the fact that Bellamy and Octavia would have killed Josephine and I immediately if I didn't save you?" he asked, giving Clarke a bitter smile, "I guess it came down to our time was over." 

Clarke let out a snort at the cliche of his answer.

"I mean it!" he argued, "Look, humans aren't meant to love from afar for very long. Yes, I loved her, more than you could ever know. And she loved me, I have to believe that. But we didn't love _each other_. Does that make sense?" 

At Clarke's blank look, he grew frustrated. 

"I loved a girl who choose to run away from Earth in search of a brand new world. Who was happy classifying new species and trying to get me to kiss her when I should have been working, right? That girl died much too soon when her father cut her throat. And I spent the next few decades fighting to bring back someone who didn't exists anymore. I brought back a girl whose father killed her and who had been dead for a very long time. And _I_ wasn't the same person she loved anymore. I wasn't the young kid who let her distract me when I should've been working. I was a guy who tried to cheat death and bring back someone who should have stayed dead. We didn't love each other anymore. We loved the idea of each other, we loved who we both once were together. And eventually I had to accept that she wasn't the same anymore, that we weren't ever going to to be the same anymore. Does that make sense?"

Clarke had been so enraptured doing his rant that she hadn't even realized that she had been staring at him until he turned to look at her and she quickly looked away. She immediately locked eyes with Bellamy across the clearing, who it looks like had just finished hugging Murphy again, and she swore she could feel her heart breaking just a little bit every time she had to see who he became without her.

"Yeah," she whispered, "It really does."

And in that moment she realized what she had to do.


	2. But it Burned in one

Two months had passed since the Primes had been defeated and despite all of Clarke's wishes, things had yet to settle down. The Children of Gabriel had been occupying the city since the battle making the natives more and more nervous. It seems old rivalries took a while to die down. Skaikru or Spacekru or Wonkru, whatever the polite term was nowadays, was all gung-ho about building their own settlements deeper in the woods and was looking more and more towards Madi to lead them. After deleting Shaheda from the chip, Madi had gone back to normal and had began issuing command after command, the most impactful one by far being her decree to bring down all useful members of Wonkru to help build the new radiation shields. She quickly put together a council of advisors split evenly among the former clan lines. An unwise decision, Bellamy had cautioned her. And perhaps he had been right as the council had been formed for little less than three days before half were arguing for fourteen separate compounds to allow the clans to live as they once were. The other half were adamant that if this were to pass, infighting between the clans would soon return. Both sides refused to budge on their positions, leaving Madi to try to find a fair solution for everyone involved. This also meant that Clarke saw her less and less as the days went on.

Maybe if Clarke was a better mother, this would cause her to change her mind on her plan but it only solidified her desire to leave.

She wanted out. She wanted to get away from the prying eyes of Sanctum, half of whom looked at her like she was a walking-talking God, the other half who looked at her like she was a harbinger of death. She wanted away from her mother and her endless stream of apologies and away from Spacekru who either looked at her with ceaseless pity or who just refused to look at her. Mostly, she wanted away from herself. From the ever-growing resent she felt building inside of her. There were days were all she wanted to do was scratch Murphy's eyes out because how dare _he_ look at _her_. Then there were the days where she couldn't say anything because if she opened her mouth she might start screaming and never stop. There were the days were all she wanted to do was curl into a little ball and cry and cry until she was empty and then sink this world into the next. She felt the hate and fear and resentment growing in her and she couldn't stop it. Couldn't hide it or shove it away like she used to. Maybe opening all those doors while she ran from Josephine meant that they stayed open. Or maybe it was those long years alone that made her forget how to let go of hurt and pain. Whatever the cause, she wanted out.

If she was smart she'd start pulling away slowly, maybe pick some fights with her mother or Spacekru. Or she'd start disappearing for longer and longer stretches so when she did leave she'd have a significant head start before someone noticed she was gone. If she was being honest with herself, though, she'd know that she wouldn't have to plan ahead to not be noticed. Madi was too busy being the Commander, Bellamy had his family to worry about, and her mom - well her mom was a junkie who was grieving her boyfriend. She was too busy staying sober to really notice what was going on with her daughter. The only ones who could possibly throw a wrench into her plans were Octavia and her group of misfits.

Octavia seemed to be on a new redemption kick ever since the temporal anomaly. After the battle she had taken a solemn vow to do no harm. And apparently even the great Blodreina was more forgivable than Clarke since she now had a group of Wonkru -and a grieving Jordon - that followed her around like ducklings. Bellamy still hadn't forgiven her, still refused to be around her which for some reason meant that Octavia had started gravitating towards Clarke. It was small at first, she'd check in on Clarke before meals and ask if she wanted to join her. But it soon upgraded to Octavia being Clarke's shadow whenever she could. She'd ask constant questions about _before_ and wouldn't even stop when Clarke refused to answer. She'd ask about what praimfaya looked like topside. _Terrible, but oddly beautiful._ How'd Clarke manage to survive for six long years. _Easy, she hadn't._ She'd ask what the valley was like - at that question, Clarke almost came to blows. She'd ask about other things too. Like what was growing up part of the ark really like for her? _Lonely._ If she missed Wells? _More and more every day he was gone._ What it was like having a father? _Harder now that he was gone_. She'd also ask stupid, useless questions like what her favorite color was. _Brown, like earth._ Who her first kiss was. _A tiny petite redheaded girl from farm station._ If things were different, Clarke might've found it comforting to be treated so normal.

But things weren't different. And to be honest, it made Clarke feel nauseous to always have someone around.

Most things nowadays made Clarke sick: the smell of food cooking, waking up, having people stand too close to her. She'd be worried if she wasn't sure it was just a long-lasting symptom of having her mind highjacked. Even then, it made Clarke more and more anxious to run, to be free of Sanctum and her people and her crushing sense of responsibility.

Today was no different. Clarke had just woken up at an ungodly hour and barely made it to the bucket she'd been forced to keep in the corner of her room before emptying the meager contents of her stomach. She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand then stood to get dressed. She'd thrown away her signature jacket and leather pants soon after getting Josephine out of her head, they were tainted now with the memories of _her_ walking around in Clarke's body. She had to trade what little she had but she'd managed to find a loose fitting tunic top in a sea green and some almost see through leggings. Wearing something neither Josephine nor herself would ever wear helped make her feel a little more in control of her body; it helped ground her in her own flesh, stopped making her feel like she was one breath away from floating off the face of the earth.

She quickly scrubbed her face and tied her hair back - it was longer now and had to be put up in order to stay out of her way. She looked at the clock on the nightstand. It read 5:13 a.m., back on earth it'd still be dark but thanks to the double suns of Sanctum it was already on its way to being blinding. She only had a few hours before her shift in the junk shop. Back right after the battle had ended, her mother had offered her a position in Sanctum's clinic but Clarke couldn't stomach the idea of working next to the same equipment that almost ended her life so instead she had taken the first opening she'd found in the village which happened to be the junk shop. It was a weird mix between junk yard and car garage. It's where all the beyond broken things of Sanctum were sent to be either scraped and melted down into something new and useful or miraculously repaired. When Spacekru first found out that she took the job, they scoffed and asked what she knew about machinery. She quietly reminded them that her father was the lead engineer who found the fault in the air system and that after praimfaya she was forced to repair things constantly if she wanted to survive. After that they stopped asking if she was qualified. It was important work, but not nearly important enough to draw the attention of Raven or anyone else she knew. And Clarke liked it well enough, it gave her a chance to sit quietly for a few hours working on something low-priority. It also gave her more time to try to figure out how exactly she was going to survive beyond Sanctum's walls when she left for good.

The one downside -or upside, depending on how you looked at it - to working in the junk shop was that her only other companion and the only other employee at the time was a Skaikru man named Dean. He was originally from Mecha station and had spent most of his life working with and around machines. He was around Clarke's age, only a few years older than Bellamy, and was mostly quiet. He liked listening to music from before the first praimfaya out loud but he didn't ask too many question besides where Clarke had put a tool or if she wanted him to grab her lunch when he went on break. He was mostly considerate and all together too observant for Clarke's comfort, but despite it all Clarke might've found herself liking him if he wasn't a known friend of Octavia's. On principle, she disliked him and his jokes and his thoughtful way of helping without becoming overbearing.

Still it might've been a little easier to hate him if he wasn't also her neighbor.

The old owner of the junk shop had grown too old to keep working and Dean had stolen his way into the owner's affections soon after waking from cryo. Within a few short weeks of helping around the shop, the owner had decided to retire - a novel concept to all of Earthkru - and had left the shop and the rooms above it to Dean on a trial basis. When Dean found out that Clarke was staying in the same room she'd been bodyjacked in, he had insisted on giving her the spare room across the hall from his and trapped between a rock and a hard place, Clarke had decided to move in. She'd barely been there for two weeks before Dean figured out that she had a hard time sleeping nowadays and started getting up early to keep her company.

And lo and behold, when Clarke made her way downstairs there was an admittedly tired Dean making her breakfast already.

"I'd ask if pancakes are okay but we both know we've eaten worse." Dean called over his shoulder without looking.

"I thought I told you that I didn't need you to make me food."

"Yeah, well cooking for two is easier than cooking for one so suck it up and say thank you."

"Thank you," Clarke grumbled as bitterly as she could because yeah, she might've lost this argument again but also ... pancakes.

Dean turned around and dropped the plate of food at her side of the kitchen table. It was times like these when Clarke couldn't help but feel a small amount of affection for Dean. He was such a hard to hate guy. He was grumpy and sarcastic but he also took care of everyone around him like it was his job. And in a not so small way, he reminded Clarke of the Bellamy she had lost all those years ago. But those are the kind of thoughts Clarke was trying to avoid so she started shoveling as much of the pancakes into her mouth as she could stomach.

"You gonna actually keep those down this time?" Dean asked while pointedly not looking at her.

Clarke let out a big sigh. Just like the pancake argument, they'd had this disagreement many times before. "For the last time, I'm not going to see a doctor."

Dean slammed his own fork down, "And for the last time, you should! No one throws up this much Clarke without something being wrong."

Clarke snorted around her mouthful of food. "Something was wrong, Dean. I had a sociopathic chip nailed into my head that almost killed me. This is some residual side-effect. Like the shaking," she insisted, nodding to her trembling hands, something that also hadn't stopped since Josephine had been removed. In a way this was worse than the throwing up, she'd take throwing up everyday for the rest of her life if it meant she could draw again.

Dean sighed, a bone-tired weary sigh. "Clarke, we both know that being sick isn't something to ignore."

And just like that the food in Clarke's mouth turned to ash. She swallowed thickly around the lump of food and nodded slowly. That was another thing - a rather big thing - Dean had in common to Bellamy. Both of them had managed to hide a younger sibling. Except Dean hadn't been as lucky as Bellamy and Octavia. His mother had died from an infection she'd gotten soon after giving birth to his younger brother. His father had died from an accident involving some faulty machinery when Dean was barely 19 years old. And his younger brother got sick and without the medicine being an official member of the Ark provided, had died not too long after. Dean had had the unfortunate duty of disposing of his brother's body in an airlock by bribing certain members of the guard. So yeah, both Dean and Clarke knew that being sick wasn't something to ignore.

"Look, Clarke, I get not wanting to go to the doctor's, especially after what happened to you but it's not like you don't have a certain trained doctor that stops by almost every afternoon."

"Gabriel," Clarke said lowly. Gabriel and she had started migrating closer and closer as time went on. It helped Clarke to know that someone else had been in her situation and survive. And for Gabriel, well Clarke thought maybe after almost having her mind melt into Josephine's, Gabriel saw some of Josephine in her. And honestly, she couldn't begrudge him that.

"Yeah, Gabriel," Dean mocked, "He's here almost everyday. Just ask him to check you out and if he says you're fine, I'll drop it. Okay?"

"Okay," Clarke agreed reluctantly. She wouldn't actually let him check her out, she was just as scared of the answer as Dean was anxious to know. But agreeing got Dean off her back so what was a little white lie. Besides, she'd be gone soon enough anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to keep writing. I thought that Clarke needed a friend. Someone new who wasn't wrapped up in all of the complicated past. I loosely based Dean off of Dean from Supernatural is terms of family structure but he is 100% skaikru. I also thought that Octavia and Clarke would start becoming friends after everything they've been through. Also I think Clarke would have some leftover Josephine qualities and that Gabriel and her might become friends. Theres a big surprise in the next chapter.


	3. Eleutheromania

The rest of the morning flew by. Clarke and Dean were both working on separate projects across the shop from each other and didn't really speak for most of the day. Dean, for the third day in a row, was trying to fix some faulty wiring in some solar panels. He'd managed to get them to absorb energy but was having trouble getting them to release it back out. He'd been getting more and more frustrated as the days passed without a solution presenting itself. Clarke, on the other hand, was working on a series of small projects for the Sanctum natives, mostly fixing small gadgets and generators, with a few broken and bent kitchen cutlery thrown into the mix that needed mending. She was finished with most of them before noon. One of the nice things about working in the junk shop was nothing was ever too urgent so she had plenty of time to pick up small side projects in between assignments. Right now she was tinkering with a small metal mobile someone had dropped off in the salvage box outside the shop. It was a delicate little thing that once upon a time must've been very beautiful. It showed the double moons and main planet of Sanctum's solar system revolving around the binary suns with a few noticeable stars scattered throughout it to give it a creative flair. When it was operational it was meant to revolve and crisscross to follow Sanctum's actual path around the suns. Currently, though, it was broken with half the metal rods holding up the ornaments bent out of shape and the other half jammed so that when plugged in, the mobile only sputtered and twitched a few times before short circuiting.

Honestly, Clarke should've thrown it out but it was beautiful and beauty had been a rare commodity for most, if not all, of Clarke's life.

Clarke had been working on the piece for a few hours before Octavia came through the shop's doors, dragging the daily load of scrap metal behind her. Octavia was one of the few members of Wonkru that hadn't been assigned a permanent job. Part of the reason was that no one truly trusted her enough to work on anything important like the council, but the other part was that without the practical education going through school on the Ark gave you, Octavia's only real skill was being a seamstress, a profession that Sanctum was hardly lacking in. While waiting for a permanent assignment, Octavia was given many menial tasks to complete throughout the day. Among them, helping in Wonkru's camp's kitchen in the evenings, janitorial duties in the clinic on weekends, and working in the excess department - Sanctum's job title for their garbage services - in between her other jobs. This also meant that Octavia was the one who sorted through all the garbage Sanctum threw out and brought all metal and electronics to the junk shop every afternoon.

"Hey, Clarke! Hello, Dean!" Octavia called out in greeting before dropping her wheelbarrow behind her.

"Got anything interesting for us today?" Dean asked standing up from his workbench, wiping his hands on his pants as he did so.

"Nothing too exciting. Someone threw out some old digital clocks that don't seem to be working but other than that it's mostly scrap metal."

"Boo! I told you not to come back till you had a fun challenge for me."

Octavia let out a lighter laugh than Clarke had heard in years, something she'd been doing more and more of lately. "Well, I would but it seems those solar panels are still giving you trouble, so-"

"Oh piss off! I'm gonna fix them one of these days, they're just being stubborn, is all."

"Yeah, yeah. You've said that the last two days as well," Octavia laughed him off. "Hey, Clarke. How're you today?"

Up until then Clarke had been steadfastly ignoring the both of them. Stifling a groan, she looked up at Octavia and smiling politely answered, "Fine, thank you." Pointedly, not asking how she was in return. Hopefully she'd get the hint.

"What're you working on?" she asked, curiously looking down at the mobile.

"Oh that, it's nothing. Something she should've scrapped eons ago," Dean cut in.

"It's not nothing!" Clarke snapped at Dean. Looking at Octavia, she said, "It's a baby mobile, like for a crib. Someone threw it away but I think I can fix it with some time."

"It's really pretty," Octavia offered, moving closer to inspect it.

"Yeah, it is."

There was an uncomfortable lull in conversation for a few moments as Octavia shifted foot from foot as she tried to figure out what to say to that and Clarke offered no help in return, before Octavia started speaking again.

"Look, so I'm having this small get together thing tonight-"

"A party?" Dean interrupted, excited.

"No, not a party, just a few friends getting together. It's Jordan's birthday today and I thought that it'd be nice to maybe have a bonfire like we used to back at the dropship," she directed the last part to Clarke who had gone back to ignoring her in favor of her project. After a moment, Octavia continued, "He's been having a hard time, especially with Delilah being gone..." Another thing for Clarke to be guilty about, that she got to live and Delilah didn't. "There'll be food and moonshine, nothing too fancy, but it's the thought that counts, right? And well-"

"We'll be there," Dean cut in, saving her from rambling.

"No, _we_ won't. I'd love to but I can't, I'm busy," Clarke immediately disagreed.

"Clarke," Dean started but Clarke was quick to cut him off.

"I'm sorry but I'm busy. I was hoping to finish this tonight."

"Surely, you could work on it another time!" Dean protested.

"I really can't."

"But-"

"I said, no!" Clarke snapped.

"Oh, well, if you change your mind...?" Octavia offered.

"mmm-hmmm."

Clarke was already back to looking at her project and after a few seconds of hesitating there, Octavia left.

She was barely out the door before Dean whirled on Clarke, "That stupid mobile is still going to be broken tomorrow and you know it."

"Well, I like to actually fix things unlike some of us."

"Come on! It's going to be fun and at least it gets you out of the shop for a few hours!"

"I happen to like it here in the shop," Clarke retorted.

"Come on, you never do anything fun! You haven't hung out with your friends in ages and Octavia was obviously going out of her way to ask you-"

"Well, I didn't ask her to ask me!"

"But she did! She's making such an effort with you and you keep snubbing your nose at her. Just suck it up and go to the party."

Clarke was starting to get frustrated, "I don't even get why you hang around her! She's Blodreina! She's a _cannibal_! She forced Wonkru to march to their deaths in the valley! Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?"

Dean grew more serious by the second. "Because," he answered quietly, "If the situations were reversed and _my_ baby brother was forced to make those decisions, forced to become Blodreina, I'd want someone to be there for him when it was all over. _No one_ deserves to make those types of decisions. _You_ , of all people, should know that."

Clarke didn't say anything - couldn't say anything - to that.

"She's not as bad as you think, you know. She's really trying to change."

Clarke still didn't say anything.

"Stop being a baby and just come to the party!" Dean scolded.

Clarke was about to apologize when Gabriel walked through the doors. "Fine," she grumbled instead, "But only if Gabriel goes too."

"Where am I going?" Gabriel ventured.

Clarke just smirked.

### 

To be fair, the party wasn't terrible.

It was a lot louder and more crowded than Clarke was used to nowadays. But it wasn't _terrible_. Octavia was right, it _was_ like being back in the dropship. The party was in the lower fields of Sanctum near Octavia's tent. (It seemed Clarke wasn't the only one who had a hard time being around people now). By the time Dean, Gabriel, and Clarke had arrived the party had already kicked off with most of the attendants on their way to be very, _very_ drunk. Jordan had brewed the moonshine people were drinking, a much better recipe than the one Jasper and Monty had introduced all those years before. Jordan was in the middle of a crowd of people who seemed to be encouraging him to "chug! chug! chug!". He was holding his own it appeared. And he looked happy for the first time since Delilah didn't wake up. Monty would've been _so_ proud to see his son there surrounding by his own group of friends. Clarke's gaze drifted from Jordan to the people surrounding him and her eyes caught on the members of Spacekru semi-huddled around him smiling and cheering him on like the rest of the crowd.

"Oh shit," Clarke cursed.

"What's wrong?" Gabriel asked leaning towards Clarke to be heard over the pounding music, concern coloring his voice.

Clarke vaguely gestured towards her former family, "Nothing, I just suddenly need a drink."

"Are you sure that's wise? Considering how you already throw up everyday without the help of alcohol?" Dean asked, also leaning in.

"You've been throwing up?" Gabriel demanded.

"No. _Shut up_ , Dean!"

But Dean was already telling Gabriel, "Clarke's been getting sick for weeks now! If she smells something she doesn't like or if she eats the wrong food-"

"SHUT UP, Dean!" Clarke practically shouted, "Fuck it, I'm going to get myself a drink."

She left Dean and Gabriel behind to gossip and whisper like a bunch of worrying mama hens and made her way to were the drinks were. She had just managed to down half of one before someone threw their arms around her from behind, immediately causing Clarke to tense up. She relaxed when she heard the person speak.

"Clarke! You came!" Octavia practically shouted in her ear. "I'm so glad you came! I thought you weren't coming!" She finished with a pout.

Clarke removed herself from Octavia's arms and wrinkled her nose at the smell of Octavia's breath. It seemed she was already a few cups into the night, herself.

"Yeah, Dean convinced me to come out. Stop being a hermit and all."

"Yay! Dean's a good one! Such a good one!"

"Yeah, he is," Clarke agreed, smiling despite herself.

"He _likes_ you, you know! Like, like likes you," Octavia whispered, giggling like it was a big secret.

Clarke downed her drink and picked up another one, she needed to be drunk to make it through this conversation. "No, he doesn't. We're barely friends, O."

The nickname slipped out without Clarke's permission and Octavia immediately seized upon it.

"You called me O! No one calls me that anymore."

Clarke groaned, not really sure how she was going to get herself out of this situation, when Dean swooped in to save her. "Hey, Octavia, maybe you should go wish Jordan a happy birthday."

'Thank you' Clarke mouthed over Octavia's shoulder as she squealed and took off towards the middle of the "dance floor" where Jordan currently was. Dean just smirked and grabbed a cup of Moonshine and downed it.

"Where's Gabriel?" Clarke screamed over the music.

"He went to the library to see if he could find anything on your 'condition'," Dean called back, equally loud. He was bumped a little closer to Clarke by someone trying to get some booze from the table they were currently blocking. "You never planned on telling him, did you," Dean quipped. Stating instead of asking but Clarke answered all the same.

"No, not really."

She expected a lecture or at least an argument like she would've gotten if she told _him_ but Dean just laughed a little and shook his head at her. She went to take another sip of her drink but realized it was already empty. When did that happen? Clarke reached for another cup and started drinking that one, Dean not too far behind her. They kept drinking, reaching for cup after cup and laughing at nothing as they talked. That was the nice thing about Dean, he was easy to talk to and easy to be around without talking. Pretty soon they were both well past the way to drunk.

"Do you mind?" someone snapped as they tried to reach for the table that Clarke and Dean were still blocking.

"Oops," Clarke giggled, "Sorry."

She let Dean tug her away from the table and closer to the dance floor to make room for the thirsty partygoers. She found herself glancing longingly at the dance floor, it'd been ages since she danced. The last time must have been back in the valley with Madi before everything went to shit and Gaia told her to stay away from Madi for Madi's own good. She didn't realize how much of her thoughts were showing up on her face because Dean nudged her and tilted his head towards the dance floor.

"Wanna dance?"

Maybe if Clarke was less drunk she would've said no but she was already on her way to blacked out so she found herself nodding excitedly. She let Dean tug her to the floor and start twirling her around. For the first time in who knows how long she found herself carefree and feeling so blissfully light it hurt. She couldn't keep herself from laughing and she watched the outlandish and downright _awful_ dance moves, Dean was attempting across from her. After a while the song changed to a slower, hotter one and she found herself pulling Dean a little closer to her so she could grind her hips a little against his and sway against him to the music. She forgot how much she missed dancing. She found her eyes stuck on his chest watching as his shirt clung to his skin with sweat. She glanced up and found him staring at her.

"Hi," she whispered.

Dean broke out into a heartbreakingly fond smile and whispered, "hi," back.

Almost against her will she found herself leaning up towards him just a little bit. He stayed still staring deeper into her eyes. She got closer and closer till there was almost no space between them. She didn't really know what she was doing, only that she didn't feel as lonely as she normally did and by _God_ , did she want this feeling to last a little longer. But at the very last second Dean pulled away and instead placed a feather light kiss to her hair instead.

"You should drink some water," he mumbled against her forehead.

'Oh ... okay?" Clarke moved back a little and realized he meant right now. She blinked a few times before heading back to the drink table but not before she threw a glance over her shoulder to look back at Dean and saw him looking sadly back at her. She was about to turn around when she collided rather heavily into something or rather _someone_.

"Oof! I'm sorry," she began but saw who it was she had crashed into, "Bellamy?"

Bellamy looked exactly how he always looked: heart wrenchingly beautiful, even with that stupid beard he insisted on growing. Except now he looked mad. No, not mad. He looked _furious_! 

Clarke took a step back, "Bellamy?" she asked, unsure. 

He just swept his seething gaze over her from her head to her toes and back again before spitting out, "Enjoying yourself?" like it was the filthiest thing he could say. 

"I - I - yeah, I am?" Clarke stuttered confused at his reaction to her. Did he hate her that much? I mean sure he had been avoiding her for _months_ but he didn't hate her, did he? 

"I knew you moved in with him, but I didn't know you were whoring yourself out," Bellamy spat at her. 

"I - I - _what?_ " Clarke stuttered again. 

"Nothing," Bellamy pushed past her, "I guess _he_ matters to you." 

"I - I - what?" Clarke couldn't seem to form a complete sentence. She turned to watch him leave, calling out after him but he didn't slow down or stop, just kept power-walking away from her. And just like that Clarke's happy mood was gone and she felt just as empty as she usually did. _This_ , this is why she had to get away. When she left she'd be free of this awful, blackhole inside her chest. Maybe away from everyone, away from _him_ she'd be happy again. Without telling Dean she was leaving, she started walking back to the shop, just wanting to get away from it all, at least for the night. 

She had barely put her head on her pillow when someone was banging on her door. "Go away!" She shouted, just wanting to be left alone, just for a little bit. 

"Clarke?" Gabriel asked opening the door, "Are you drunk?" 

"No ... yes. Go away." 

"I think I know what's wrong with you." Gabriel didn't go away, he just shut the door behind him. 

"Good for you. Go away." 

"Have you been feeling dizzy before you throw up or getting vertigo?" Gabriel pushed on. 

"No. Go away." 

"Okay, then its not brain trauma. Have you been seeing things that aren't really there or hearing things that shouldn't be there?" 

"NO! GO. AWAY." Clarke shot up and threw a pillow in his direction but he just dodged it and kept speaking. 

"Then it's not a tumor." For someone who just said it's not a tumor, he was still awfully solemn. "Have you been gaining weight? Do you feel fatigued all the time? Are you experiencing any pain in your breast?" 

Clarke felt the blood drain from her face, "How - how do you know that?" 

Gabriel sighed, "Clarke... is it possible that you might be pregnant?" 

Clarke snorted and felt relief spread through her. Thank God. "No, there is absolutely no way in hell that I could be-" 

But in the back of her head a voice was whispering about the doctor and how they hadn't used protection. But that was impossible because her implant would've - but her implant had undergone a lot of radiation in praimfaya and after, decades both awake and in cryo, and what was it? A year into cryo before Harper's implant failed and she ended up with Jordan? 

"Oh my God," Clarke whispered to herself as she sank back down onto her bed. _She was pregnant._


	4. Hiraeth

Here's a secret that Clarke was determined to take to the grave: She never wanted children. Not back when she lived on the Ark - though she might of had one out of a sense of duty - and definitely not after she was sent down to the ground. They always seemed like a recipe for disaster; much too delicate and helpless in some ways and quite too loud and determined in others. Growing up on the Ark, Clarke never got the chance to be a child, not how it was portrayed in books and movies from before the first apocalypse at least. She never got to run around outside or to go swimming. She never got to wonder what she'd be when she grew up. She never got to dream of being a princess or a warrior or a ballerina. She knew from the first day of school that if she had a talent for medicine, she'd become a doctor. That she'd marry someone who she loved but also happened to be a good genetic match with. She'd wait till her request with the Chancellor was approved and then she'd have the one allotted child she was suppose to have. She was taught from before she could remember that her life wasn't her own. She wasn't suppose to live for herself or the other people around her. _They_ didn't matter. _She_ didn't matter. Only the generation that came far after her's, the one that would finally make it to the ground, mattered. Maybe that was why Clarke was always okay bearing the burden of survival in place of others. Because even after making it the ground she still didn't truly believe she and furthermore what she _wanted_ mattered. And how was she suppose to teach a child that they mattered when she herself couldn't figure out that lesson? So no, she didn't want children. 

And that didn't change when she found Madi. 

Of course, she loved Madi. Madi was her heart beating in another chest. She was proof that no matter how terrible the world could be, it also could make wonderful, unexpected miracles. The day she found Madi was _the best_ day of her life. And being Madi's mom was a honor that Clarke would die before giving up. But that still didn't change that fact that Clarke would never have chosen motherhood if given the choice. She would never choose to purposefully fail her child and she knew that she _would_ fail her child. Just look at Madi. 

All of that to say that the night she found out that she'd be a mother, _again_ , she cried herself to sleep and back awake again, on and off until the suns had started to rise. She was gripped with a paralyzing fear that wouldn't leave her be. She laid in her bed shaking, plagued with thoughts of all the different ways this could go wrong, of all the ways she could fail _this_ child. 

After Gabriel had broken the news to her and she had burst into tears, he had climbed into bed with her and held her long into the night. He had kept his arms around her through her three back to back panic attacks, whispering to her that it'd be alright and that he was here for her. In between her freak outs, she found herself _so_ grateful that it was him who was here with her and not anyone else. Somehow empty platitudes sounded a lot more reassuring coming from him. As the suns crept higher and higher into the sky, Gabriel's yawns started coming closer and closer together until it sounded like one endless stream of yawns. 

"You should go home, Gabriel. You got work in a few hours and you haven't gotten any sleep," Clarke sniffled out. 

Gabriel tried to protest but a big yawn cut him off and Clarke started pushing him from her bed. 

"Fine, but if you need anything - _anything_ , Clarke - you come and get me." 

"Okay," She promised. 

"I mean it, Clarke. And you should really go to the clinic. I know a pregnancy follows Occam's razor but we won't know for sure that its just that and not something more serious until you get checked out and-" 

"Gabriel, I know," Clarke cut him off gently. And honestly she did know. Looking back, she must have been trying very hard not to recognize the cause of her symptoms. 

"Well, okay then. I'm gonna go then. Seriously get me if you need me. I love you," Gabriel told her backing out the door. 

"Love you too, Gabe." 

Gabriel had barely closed the door behind him and Clarke laid back down to try to actually sleep than a timid knock came at the door. 

"Clarke?" A voiced called. 

"Dean?" Clarke couldn't imagine why he'd be knocking on her door at this hour. Maybe he'd misplaced a tool or - wait, Clarke hadn't told him she was leaving the party. He was probably wondering where she'd disappeared off to, especially after trying to kiss him. Clarke let out a groan right as Dean opened the door of her bedroom. 

"Dean, look I know we need to talk about last night but honestly I'm not in the mood to-" 

"It's not about last night," Dean quickly cut in. 

"Oh ... then why are you here?" Clarke sat up, letting the covers pull around her waist. 

Dean shifted back and forth for a few moments before striding across the room and dropping down next to her, "I came in a few hours ago and I swear, I was just planning on going to bed but I heard you crying and then I just saw Gabriel leave and ... well..." Dean trailed off and frustrated at his lack of words, ran a rough hand through his dirty blond hair. 

"Dean?" Clarke reached out to touch his shoulder but he quickly stood up. 

"Are you sick? Did Gabriel come here and tell you that you're sick?" 

Clarke didn't say anything. She had _just_ found out the news herself and now she had to tell other people? 

Dean mistakingly took her silence as an answer. He dropped to a crouch in front of her and grabbed one of her hands, "Clarke ... are you dying?" 

At that Clarke finally managed to answer, "No. No, Dean. I'm fine. I'm not dying or even sick, really." 

"Then why have you been throwing up and why were you crying?" Dean pressed. 

Clarke looked down. "I'm pregnant." She said it like it was a death sentence. 

"You're ... pregnant?" Dean asked, confusion marring his face. 

"Well, we don't really know yet. I have to go to the clinic and have some tests done but it's the most likely answer at the moment. So, yeah. I'm pregnant," Clarke couldn't help it. She started crying again. 

Dean seemed to snap out of whatever stupor he was in and immediately reached forward to hug her. Maybe if Clarke wasn't in the middle of a crisis she'd have pushed him away but at the moment she just let herself be buried in his chest and let him hold her and stroke her hair.

"Clarke," Dean began carefully, "I promise I won't judge and I'm here for you no matter what, but the conception-" Dean took a deep breath, "Was it consensual?" 

Clarke let out a watery laugh, "Yeah, yeah. It's nothing like that. I was just an idiot and forgot to check my implant beforehand." 

Dean let out a sigh of relief. "And the guy?" 

"Is dead. And even if he wasn't, it wasn't really a relationship or anything more than just a one night stand. Barely even that." 

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I'm so sorry." Dean just kept whispering that to her till she managed to cry herself out. 

After a moment, she pulled back from the hug and Dean reluctantly moved back to sitting next to her. They sat in silence for a while, him processing the news and her trying to come to terms with her new life. 

"Hey Dean," Clarke whispered finally. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry for trying to kiss you last night. It was inappropriate and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship." 

Dean barked out a laugh, "You finally admitting we're friends?" 

Clarke laughed back, "Yeah, I think this pushes us over the tipping point." 

"Well, good. And really, we're fine." 

"I really am sorry though," Clarke tried again. 

Dean grinned wryly, "Don't apologize, just try again when you're actually sober." 

Clarke didn't know what to say to that so she just grinned back. 

### 

The last few days had passed in a blur. Between trying to come to terms with the pregnancy and also trying to keep on top of her regular responsibilities, Clarke really hadn't had much time to think about Bellamy and their last interaction. A small blessing for sure as she pivoted between feeling sick at the thought of what he said to her and feeling enraged because _how dare he_. She had managed to make an appointment at Sanctum's clinic - with Jackson, of course, she didn't want her mother involved until she figured out what she was going to do. The clinic had been very busy these last few months with lasting injuries from the rebellion on top of Earthkru's immune system getting used to a whole new world of bacteria and viruses, so the soonest she could be seen was a week from the initial request. She'd have gotten in sooner if she had accepted any doctor but privacy was all Clarke had left at this point and she refused to relinquish it. 

The morning of the appointment was thankfully filled with a thousand little jobs and projects needing to get done, so Clarke found herself thankfully distracted until about ten minutes before her appointment. On the downside, it also meant that Clarke had no time to mentally prepare herself for the appointment and what news it would inevitably bring. Nine minutes to, she stood up from her work station and turned to the door ready to leave. 

"Wait a sec! I just need to put up the 'back in 15' sign then we can go," Dean called out from across the room, also rising from his work bench. 

Clarke frowned, "Where are you going?" 

Dean frowned back but kept walking towards her, "With you to the appointment, of course. I'm not letting you do this alone." 

Clarke just stared at him for a few moments before lurching forward to give him a rib-breaking hug. "Thank you, Dean," she mumbled into his shoulder. 

Dean awkwardly patted her back before nudging her towards the door. He slipped the sign in the window on their way out and immediately took his place next to her. The clinic wasn't that far away so they were there in no time. The staff, it seemed, were running a little behind schedule because Clarke and Dean had to wait an extra ten minutes after the initial appointment time before they were called back into a little exam room at the end of the hall to wait for Jackson. They waited another ten minutes before Jackson slid into the room with a tired but friendly smile on his face. 

"Hello Clarke." Jackson glanced at Dean but said nothing, "How can I help you today?" 

Clarke was a firm believer in just getting things over with so after glancing at Dean for just a moment, she said, "I think I'm pregnant." 

To Jackson's credit, he took the news like a champ. He barely blinked before he was nodding, he glanced at Dean again. "And why is that?" 

"I've been throwing up a lot recently. For weeks actually. I've been overly tired recently and my breast have been very sore." 

Jackson went into full doctor mode and started taking notes on his clip pad, "Has your implant been removed?" 

"No, but it also endured a lot of radiation during praimfaya and for the five years after it, not to mention cryo." 

Jackson just nodded, "Okay, well I could ask for an urine sample but I'm guessing you're pretty anxious to know so why don't we do a ultrasound." 

Clarke smiled in gratitude and watched as Jackson asked a nurse to bring the machine in. He got everything plugged in then asked her to lift her shirt which she did. He poured some very cold gel over her stomach then using the wand, smeared it around. He turned his head to the screen and despite knowing how to read it, Clarke kept her gaze glued to the ceiling like by not looking she could stop this from happening. Jackson was quiet for a long time and despite herself, Clarke found herself reaching for Dean's hand. 

"Well," Jackson finally said, "It looks like you were right. Congratulations, Clarke. You're pregnant." 

Clarke tried to stop them but a few tears managed to escape and fall down her cheeks. This was really happening. 

"There is something we should discuss though," Jackson continued. Clarke finally turned to look at him, still making sure to not look at the monitor. 

"What is it?" Dean asked, worry lacing his voice, "Is the baby alright?" 

"Babies," Jackson said looking at Dean. He turned back to Clarke, "You're having twins." 

Clarke felt the blood rushing through her head causing a whooshing sound to ring in her ears. Twins. _Twins_? Surely, he was wrong. Jackson had to have made a mistake, but sure enough when Clarke turned her head to finally look at the monitor there they were, her _twins_. Clarke immediately felt nauseous. 

"It looks like you're around 14 weeks along and everything appears to be normal. They're sharing a single placenta so you're most likely having identical twins. Neither seems noticeably smaller, so that's good news-" 

Jackson kept talking but Clarke's mind was caught on the word twins. One baby was bad enough. One baby meant she was screwed, but two babies!? Two babies meant she was dead. There was no way she could leave sanctum now. Not with twins! She'd have to wait at least the other six months until they were born and then what? She'd leave them behind? She'd take them with her to live in the man-eating forest? Maybe it was a mistake to come to Jackson. Maybe she should have gone to her mom because all she wanted right now was her mother to tell her everything was going to be alright, that she'd take care of everything like she used to when Clarke was a child. 

"Do you want to hear the heartbeats?" Jackson asked. Clarke just stared at him. Heartbeats? He wanted to know if she wanted to hear the heartbeats!? Didn't he know her life had just imploded for the second time in a week!? 

At her lack of response Jackson switched on the monitor and two small, racing heartbeats filled the room. It almost sounded like rain patter against a roof. Clarke was so shocked she could barely process what she was hearing, but Dean next to her gripped her hand tighter and whispered with awe, "Clarke, you're gonna be a mama." 

Clarke turned to look at him and saw the joy spread across her face and immediately felt shame. She should be feeling happy not mourning her freedom. God, they weren't even born yet and she was already screwing up. She turned back to the monitor in time to see one stretch a little and kick the other right in the chest. Without permission, she let out a laugh. Her kid was already picking on their sibling. _Great_. 

The rest of the appointment passed in a blur with Jackson giving instructions on what she could and could not eat, what to avoid doing, and asking if she had any questions. She didn't. So without much fanfare she was sent out of the room and then the clinic with the realization that Dean was right. She was going to be a _mom_ , whether she chose it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. I gave Clarke twins because when it rains it pours. Idk how this chapter turned out so I'd really love feedback. I was trying to show more of Gabriel and Clarke's relationship as well as Dean and Clarke's and I'd love feedback on how that came off. Theres going to be a good Octavia/Clarke scene in the next chapter as well as a Bellamy/Clarke scene and Madi is going to make an appearance as well. Thanks guys, I owe you one


	5. Sonder

Two weeks after her appointment found Clarke along with all of Earthkru standing in Sanctum's main plaza, watching as Madi gave a surprise announcement. Her council was spread around her in a horseshoe formation and her people were spread below her. She had her hair done in a multitude of braids and her face painted red and brown in the colors of her original clan. The brown paint was slashed around her eyes like that of a raccoon and surrounding that like the flames of praimfaya was the red paint. She looked older than she was and so much like Lexa, Clarke's heart clenched in terror. 

"As you most likely know, there has been a debate among the leaders of your clans for the last few months on the fate of our people. A decision has been reached." Ripples of excited murmurs made their way through the crowd before Madi hushed them and continued speaking, "Half of your leaders have voted to separate our already vulnerable people in favor of creating 14 compounds so the clans may live as they once did before the second praimfaya destroyed our homes. This would mean a return to a life of war, maybe not immediately but within time our people would cease to be 'our people', and again become Azgeda, and Trikru, and Skaikru, and Ingranronakru. Lexa devoted her life to sanding down the barriers between clans and as her successor, I cannot in good faith undo the work she gave her life for. The other advisors voted to remain Wonkru, to build a single great compound that could house all of our people. They voted for unity, to forego the ways of our ancestors in hope of a better tomorrow for those who come after us. 

The crowd waited with bated breath for her next sentence. 

"I cannot in good faith condone this either," she continued with the fierce gaze of the past Hedas painted onto her face. "You are all my people but you are _not_ one people. You are the Blue Cliff clan, and the Ice Nation, and the Glowing Forest clan, and the Shadow Valley clan, and the Plain Riders, and the Broadleaf clan, and Rock Line clan, and the Lake People, and the Sky People, and the Honon Kru (the name the prison group had taken). You come from generations of survivors who refused to lay down when the world told them to die and to turn our backs on that legacy would be a dishonor on every ancestor who came before us. So we will not remain in a single compound either." 

Behind Madi, her advisors were furiously talking among themselves until finally one - the Delphi delegate - stepped forward and in a small voice asked, "Then, Heda, what are we to do? Where are we going to live? Surely you cannot mean for us to stay in Sanctum?" 

"No, we will not remain in Sanctum for it is not our home either." Madi swept her gaze through the crowd stopping to stare people down at random, "We will build 14 compounds surrounding a great citadel which will serve as our capitol. Each clan will be allowed to select their own compound's location as long as it orbits the capitol. I know some of you have built lasting relationships outside of your clans. Some of you even have life partners or children waiting for you back on the ship and I have taken that into consideration. As you know with Floukru's demise and Honon Kru's acceptance into our people, there are still only 13 clans, the last compound will be built in Floukru's honor and whoever wishes to live there in place of their people's compound will be allowed to. You will be allowed to follow the ways of your ancestors. You will retain your cultures and your histories. But this way we will also retain each other. We will remain many nations under one unifying goal of peace and prosperity. 

"We have seen enough war, and death, and destruction for our lifetime. This is the way we live now. _This_ is the way to being and doing better."

There was a beat of silence before almost at once, the crowd broke out into screams and cheers with some chanting "Heda! Heda! Heda!" over and over again till Madi descended down into her people. Dean, who had been standing next to Clarke for the entire event, touched Clarke's shoulder gently. 

"I have to get back to the shop!" he shouted over the people, "You stay here!" 

Clarke smiled in gratitude before turning back to see if she could catch a glimpse of her daughter. She waited, twisting and turning trying to find Madi but she had been engulfed by the adoring crowd, so eventually as people began to disperse, Clarke was forced back into the streets of Sanctum. She quickly made her way off to the side to wait for Madi to eventually pass. She hadn't had a chance to speak with her in little over a month and she'd be damned before she gave up this opportunity. 

She had been waiting for half an hour when a familiar flash of black hair blocked her view of the street. 

"Octavia?" Clarke asked, "I'm kinda busy right now, I'm waiting for Madi." 

Octavia didn't say anything, which was a first. Instead she stood in front of Clarke with a vaguely guilty expression, not meeting Clarke's eyes, which was enough to cause Clarke's heart to start racing and Clarke to totally focus on the girl in front of her. 

"Octavia, what's wrong? Did something happen?" 

Octavia finally met Clarke's gaze, "I didn't mean to, I promise." 

Oh, god, she _killed_ someone. 

Before Clarke got the chance to start yelling, Octavia continued, "I was working in the clinic like usual, and Jackson had just run out to grab some dinner, and left your file open on the desk, and I didn't mean to read it, I swear!" 

Clarke's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of what Octavia was saying. She had read her medical file? Why was that so bad unless-. Clarke's eye widened as she realized what she meant and she grabbed Octavia and dragged her down a narrow alleyway. 

"What did you see in there," Clarke demanded rounding on the dark haired girl. 

"I know you're pregnant," Octavia confessed. 

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and counted to ten. Too many people knew her secret now. She was struggling to control her panic when Octavia spoke again. 

"Is it Bell's?" 

Clarke's eyes popped open, "What?" 

Octavia looked guilty again, "I know you're about 16 weeks along and Dean didn't come down till 11 weeks ago and besides, I know you're not sleeping together. He'd have told me. The only other men you even spend time around is Gabriel and Bellamy. And I _know_ you and Gabriel aren't like that. So, is it Bell's?" 

Clarke just stared at her. _Is it Bell's?_. She knows that she's slept with someone else's boyfriend before but god, do people really think she'd do that knowingly? 

"Of course they're not Bellamy's!" Clarke hissed, "He's dating Echo! Do you really think I would sleep with someone's boyfriend? Do you think I could do that to someone, let alone Echo?" 

At least Octavia had the common decency to look ashamed before a confused look crossed her face. "Wait, they?" 

"What?" 

"You said, _they_ aren't Bell's. You're having twins?" Octavia asked with excitement. 

Clarke just stared at her, "I thought you read my file." 

Octavia waved it off, "Yeah, but once I realized what it was I stopped reading. I wouldn't knowingly breach your privacy." 

Clarke just snorted. Wow, so that was her line. 

"Congrats Clarke. You're going to be a great mom." 

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks." 

Octavia turned serious suddenly. Speaking slowly, she asked, "Clarke, do you want them?" 

Clarke looked up from the ground where she had been staring, "What?" 

"If I'm way off base you can tell me to fuck off but you don't really sound happy about your ... um ... situation. You know you always have other options, right?" 

Clarke stared at Octavia. _Did she want them_? Octavia was the first person to ask her that. Honestly, Clarke didn't know. She didn't want to be a mother but that was hypothetical, the same way she wouldn't want a hypothetical puppy if someone asked. But she wouldn't kick a puppy out if one ended up on her doorstep, either. And being pregnant was the proverbial puppy on her doorstep. Logically, she knew she had choices. She could always abort, there was no shame in that. Or she could give them up once they were born, though she already knew that wasn't an option. She already left behind so many pieces of herself over the years and she couldn't leave behind the arguably two _biggest_ pieces of her when they did finally arrive. But did Clarke want this? She didn't know. 

Octavia took her silence as an answer, "You don't have to tell me, Clarke. I know you don't really like me but I'm here for you, if you need to talk. We're still friends, you know." 

Clarke slowly smiled at Octavia, "Yeah O, I know. And I don't _not_ like you, you know." 

Octavia smiled back and was about to say something but Clarke caught a glimpse of Madi out of the corner of her eye and immediately turned to catch her, leaving Octavia behind. 

"Madi!" Clarke called from behind her, pushing her way through the trailing devotees. 

Madi turned around and when she saw her a huge smile stole across her face. "Clarke!" 

Mother and daughter met in the middle, stealing into each other's arms and holding on tight. For just a second, they were back in the valley before everything went to shit and they were all alone and it was perfect. But nothing stays perfect for long. 

"Heda, we have much to discuss," the Sangedakru representative cut in. 

Madi reluctantly pulled back from the hug and smiled at her mother sadly, "Duty calls." 

Clarke felt panic grip her, "What? No. Surely, it can wait a few minutes so we can talk." 

"I wish it could, Clarke. But some of the representatives dislike my plan and I need to hear their concerns if I'm going to have their support in the future." 

"But-" 

"Oh god, Clarke," Murphy snapped, "Let the kid work." 

Oh, _that_. That was Clarke's least favorite decision Madi had made. She had appointed Murphy as an honorary delegate for Spacekru. Her reasoning was that cockroaches made good politicians and admittedly, Murphy wasn't doing an _awful_ job but it was _Murphy_! Murphy who still was going to help Josephine after finding out Clarke was alive. Murphy who had grieved more for her own Mother when they thought she was gone, than he had for Clarke the many times he had thought she died. 

"Fuck off, cockroach! I'm trying to talk to my daughter," Clarke snapped before she could help herself. 

The signature cocky, aloof Murphy expression appeared. "She's not your daughter, she's the Heda. And we need to talk to her about her plan." 

Clarke turned to look at Madi for support but Madi was already nodding at Murphy, "I'm coming," She told him. Turning back to Clarke, she said, "I'll see you later, Clarke. I promise." 

And just like that she started walking away with the delegates and _Murphy_ trailing behind her, but not before Murphy shot Clarke a gloating expression over his shoulder. Clarke stared after her daughter long after she was gone before breaking out into a brisk walk in the opposite direction before she could start crying. Pregnancy sucked! Everything made her want to cry nowadays. The Madi Clarke had raised in the valley would never turn away from her. She'd never agree with the man who plotted to kill her, even if it was just to talk. But then again, _her_ daughter had died the day _he_ put the chip in her. She wasn't a little girl anymore, she was the Heda. And each day that passed meant Madi lost a little more and more of herself to the chip and the burden of leading. 

"Clarke! Wait!" A man called from behind her. 

Clarke groaned, couldn't anyone leave her alone today? She turned around and saw Bellamy jogging towards her. Speak of the devil, she thought bitterly. 

"What do you want?" She snapped, glaring at him. She still hadn't forgiven him for what he had said to her. 

A flash of confusion and hurt crossed his face before he schooled it into the annoying neutral expression he wore nowadays. "I just wanted to see if you were alright." 

"Like you care." She crossed her arms over her chest. 

Bellamy blinked, "Of course, I do, Clarke. How could you ask that? I heard what Murphy said and wanted to make sure you were okay." 

Clarke snorted, "Yeah, maybe muzzle your watchdog next time, if you're so worried about me." 

Bellamy started getting frustrated and straightened up to his full height to tower over her, "You know no one can control what Murphy says. Don't blame me for what came out of his mouth." 

Clarke uncrossed her arms and got in his face, "Okay then, I'll blame you for what came out of yours!" 

Bellamy paled and noticeably deflated, "Clarke, don't," he said warily. 

"What? Don't what? Don't bring it up? Don't expect an apology? Don't _whore myself out_?" She spat the words like they were the most poisonous venom she had. 

Bellamy didn't say anything, just shifted uncomfortably. 

"God, I guess it's too much to expect an apology from the great Bellamy Blake. No, what was I thinking? Bellamy Blake never does anything wrong! He can throw a radio in a river and slaughter an army sent to protect him and leave me behind to die in praimfaya and kill my daughter and make a deal with the people who _killed_ me but no! He's never wrong!"

"Clarke," he said again in a heartbroken voice. 

"No, you know what? Save it. I don't have it in me today to forgive you, _again_." Clarke whipped around and started power walking back home, leaving Bellamy behind, staring longingly after her. 

Clarke crashed through the doors of the junk shop when she arrived, kicking them closed behind her. She let out a little scream at the fucking audacity of Bellamy Blake causing Dean to jump from where he stood near his workbench. He quickly tried to move in front of the bulky thing he was working on but Clarke saw. 

Her face wrinkled in confusion, "Why are you working on a crib?" She demanded, a little more aggressive than the situation called for considering how _angry_ she still was. 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "It was supposed to be a surprise," he told her. "Jackson dropped this off while you were gone." He reached over to his desk and picked up a piece of paper - no, not a paper. A photo. 

Striding across the room, Clarke snatched it from his hand. She looked down at it and froze. It wasn't a picture either. It was a _sonogram_. Of her babies. At the bottom of the picture were the words "Baby Griffin A" and "Baby Griffin B". It was barely anything, just two static-y images, but she could make out the shape of their heads and their little pot bellies and their little feet. They looked like aliens but there they were, her _babies_. Jackson had taken the pictures at her last appointment but she had been too freaked out at finding out she was having twins to remember to grab it. Clarke took a deep breath to avoid crying. She walked across the room and carefully leaned it against her lamp so she could look at it while she worked. She glanced back at Dean, who was smiling at her softly. 

"The Barmans, over on Rosette st., dropped the crib off a few days ago to be scrapped. But I thought that maybe I could convert it for the twins and well ... you know," Dean explained, shuffling on his feet. 

"Yeah, I know," Clarke agreed. 

Clarke looked at Dean. I mean, _really_ looked at Dean. His dirty blond, almost brown hair was a little longer now than it had been weeks ago and was starting to tip down into his face. He had forgotten to shave and stumble had started to grow, surprisingly Clarke didn't nearly as much mind the look on him as she did Bellamy. He was leaning a little against the table next to him, making his great height seem just a little more friendly than it would on anyone else. He was broad shouldered and toned with hidden muscle that rippled like the surface of a lake each time he shifted. Clarke looked back into his soft hazel eyes, that appeared green right now. Looking into his eyes was like being back in the fields of the valley in the peak of summer when the grass was waist high and birds would startle out of it in the distance ahead of you and everything was peaceful and calm and _safe_. 

Maybe it was the remaining anger burning through her system or maybe it was the thoughtfulness of the gesture or maybe it was just because she was human but Clarke strode across the room and whispering, "I'm sober now," reached up and pulling him down towards her, kissed Dean. It was a light, barely there type of kiss at first. Just her mouth brushing against his and him not doing so in return. Feeling self-conscious, Clarke started to pull away but Dean's hand shot forward and grabbing her by the back of her neck pulled her back to him. He crashed his mouth against hers and deepened the kiss in one breath. A surprise moan bubbled up from Clarke's throat as she felt his tongue invade her mouth. Without realizing it her hands found their way into his hair and pulled slightly. Dean broke the kiss to groan with pleasure at the feeling. 

He pulled back slightly to look her in the eye, "I don't want to do anything you don't want me to," he whispered to her. 

"Believe me, you're not," Clarke assured him before kissing him once again. 

Clarke's arms found their way back around his neck and Dean's fingers snuck under the hem of her shirt to rub little circles onto the skin of her hips. Almost against her will, Clarke's hips tilted into his. 

"Upstairs," she muttered against his lips. 

Their kiss was interrupted by Dean's answering grin and he reached down to hoist her up by the back of her thighs. Her legs wrapped around his hips and he hurriedly carried her upstairs to his bedroom. He paused for a moment right in the doorway but Clarke kicked him with the heel of her foot and he kept walking towards his bed. He carefully laid her down like she was a breakable treasure and pulled back to look at her. 

"God, you're beautiful," he breathed out. 

Clarke blushed and not knowing what to say, grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it off. Dean's eyes devoured her and he quickly followed suit and removed his own. They got undressed quickly from there. And before Clarke knew it, Dean was on top of her staring down at her. 

"You sure?" he asked. 

Clarke nodded and he pushed into her. Clarke let out a high, long groan at the sinful pleasure of it. She smiled at the feeling of not being alone. 

"Look at me, sweetheart." 

Clarke hadn't realized she had closed her eyes but opened them at his words. Dean was posed over her, body tight with the tension it took not to move, and slowly, carefully leaned down and kissed her softly. 

It was nice, but it wasn't what Clarke wanted so she nipped at his mouth and Dean _finally_ started to move. 

### 

Downstairs, Bellamy had just walked in. He had come to apologize to Clarke for the party. He wasn't thinking and he had no right to say such things to her, especially when he had a girlfriend. He honestly didn't even know why he said it. He was just drunk and saw Clarke dancing with _him_ and after she avoided him for almost _two months_ , he got angry and wanted to make her feel like she made him feel. It was stupid and much too like how he used to behave during the old dropship days. Honestly, Bellamy just missed Clarke. Maybe not how he used to miss her, like someone had just cut off one of his limbs. But he still missed her with a dull ache that never left him. He missed her like he missed Earth, like he missed home. And he needed to make things right between them so she'd just come back into his life again. He couldn't go another six years without her talking to him again. 

"Clarke?" he called out, wandering around the floor of the shop. 

Next to one of the tables was an old wooden and metal crib. He checked it out curiously. Someone had been trying to fix it up, by the looks of it. He wondered why someone would ask the junk shop to fix a crib when getting a new one would have been so much easier. He glanced at the work station next to it and saw a photo of a young Dean next to a younger boy and a man who must've been Dean's dad. So this must be Dean's workbench. He glanced at the table that must belong to Clarke and made his way over there. There was nothing on it that really screamed Clarke like her other workplaces had. There were no drawings or knick-knacks like Clarke had a habit of collecting. But there was a single photo leaning against the lamp. Bellamy picked it up, curious to what photo she had managed to save. 

At first he didn't recognize what he was staring at. His mother never had a sonogram with Octavia for obvious reasons and he really had no other reason to see one. But even he knew what a sonogram picture looked like and this was definitely one. He stared at it for a moment trying to figure out why Clarke would have it when he noticed the words at the bottom of the picture. 

"Baby Griffin A. Baby Griffin B," he read. He froze for a minute staring at the words, then the outlines of the babies - _Clarke's babies_ \- and then the crib that Dean was repairing across the shop. He dropped the photo like it burned him and stumbled back. Clarke was pregnant!? Dean was the father!? 

Trickling down from above him, he heard Clarke let out a high pitched scream followed by a man's loud, drawn out moan - _Dean's_ moan, he corrected himself. He gagged realizing what he had just heard and quickly stormed out of the shop to dry heave outside. He squeezed his eyes tight, praying that this was all just a horrible dream and that he'd wake up any second but time just kept going and he was still just outside of Clarke's home after listening to her have sex with the father of her baby. He needed to get drunk, he thought. He needed to forget what he had just heard and seen. 

He quickly made his way to Delilah's parent's bar and ordered the strongest liquor he could. He downed shot after shot, trying to get the sonogram and Clarke's moan out of his head but he couldn't and the more he drunk the worse he felt. 

He was still in the bar hours later when Echo found him. 

"Bellamy?" Echo called over his shoulder, "What are you doing here? I've been looking for you for hours!" 

Bellamy just ignored her. He couldn't stop thinking of that _stupid_ crib. 

"Bellamy?" Echo asked again, resting her hand on his shoulder. 

"Clarke's pregnant," Bellamy shot out like the words burned his throat. 

"What?" 

"Clarke's. Pregnant," Bellamy said again through gritted teeth. The world was starting to spin around him a little and that honestly should have been his cue to just shut up. 

"How do you know this?" Echo asked carefully, taking a seat next to him. 

"I saw the sonogram on her workbench." Bellamy ordered another shot. 

"Why were you looking on her workbench?" 

"I wasn't! Bellamy snapped, "I was there to apologize and she was upstairs fucking that _bastard_ Dean, and I saw the sonogram on her desk." 

Echo didn't say anything, just stared at him. Bellamy quickly grew frustrated with her. 

"What?" he snapped. "Why aren't you saying anything? 

"Am I suppose to say something when my _boyfriend_ is clearly _jealous_ that someone else got our friend pregnant?" she asked quietly staring him down. 

Bellamy groaned, "Echo, it's not like that." 

"No, Bellamy. I'm done. I'm tired of you always putting Clarke between us. I thought that it was her fault but she hasn't even been around these last few months and she's still all you talk about! Do you know how that feels to never be number one with your partner?" 

Bellamy slammed down his cup, "I _never_ put you second, Echo. Never." 

Echo looked at him sadly, "You also never put me first, either, Bellamy." 

Bellamy just stared at her, unsure what to say. 

"I'm done tying for first place with Clarke, Bellamy. I think maybe we should take a break until you figure out what you want." 

With that, Echo got up and brushing a single tear from her face, made her way out of the bar. Bellamy knew he should go after her or at the very least call her back, but he couldn't. Not tonight. So he just turned around and ordered another shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter took forever. Sorry about the sex scene if it made you uncomfortable, I've never written one before but I think it helped further the plot. Tell me what you think about the chapter. Sorry if there's any typos, this took forever to write and I was kinda burned out by the end. There'll be more about Clarke and the babies next chapter. And don't worry, this is still a Bellamy and Clarke endgame fic.


	6. Lacuna

In the month that followed the incident, as Bellamy has taken to calling it, he had spent every free, waking moment in the bar. Don't get me wrong, he still went to work - barely, but he did. And he still made sure to see his friends so that they wouldn't worry but when he could, he was getting drunk, wallowing in self pity. He kept trying to figure out where it all went wrong. What moment royally screw his life? Clarke and him were close again, before Josephine stole her body but that couldn't but _the_ moment, because she still hugged him after he brought her back. And sure, they fought about how to free Sanctum but he supported her and she looked genuinely relieved when she saw him after the final battle. Sure, he hadn't seen her much that day - he was preoccupied with finding the rest of their family and making sure everything was going to be okay - but he had seen her talking with Gabriel on the steps of Sanctum and she seemed fine. Like her old self. But the next day things were different. She wasn't exactly _cold_ but she was definitely detached. She walked around like a ghost for a few days not really interacting with anyone and barely eating. And everyone was too scared of how the trauma of having her body stolen was going to manifest, that they hadn't really tried to talk to her either. But next thing they knew she was taking a job in the junk shop of all places, instead of the clinic or the counsel like the old Clarke would have. Raven even asked her - in a very Raven-esque way - why the hell she would work in a mechanic shop. And Clarke had told them - albeit in politer words - to fuck off, that she'd been taking care of herself for years now. And honestly, what could any of them say to that? 

And then suddenly, _he_ was always around her. Dean. Ugh, even thinking his name filled Bellamy with an old rage. He didn't trust Dean. I mean, sure Dean was Skaikru and then Wonkru and had proven himself an useful member of Earthkru, time and time again, but Bellamy still didn't trust Dean with Clarke. He didn't trust anyone with Clarke, to be honest. And Dean paid too much attention to Clarke in Bellamy's opinion. He was always walking her back to her room above the bar or showing up in the morning with a cup of coffee when she was getting ready to leave or sometimes he even just invited her to go walking with him and Bellamy would see them hours later, strolling through the village deep in conversation. So, yeah, Bellamy didn't like Dean. But he hadn't _hated_ him until the day Clarke came downstairs with her small bag of things thrown over her shoulder and announced, to no one in particular, that she was moving in above the junk shop. And honestly, what could any of them say to that, as well? 

But even when Clarke left, Bellamy hadn't expected her to be _gone_. I mean, they lived in the only human civilization on the damn planet, for christ's sake! But it was like she disappeared. She didn't seek him or any of Spacekru out and Bellamy couldn't think of a reason to seek her out. So there he was for _two_ months, missing someone who wasn't really gone. And honestly, he should have seen Dean and Clarke coming. I mean, besides random sightings with Octavia or Jordan and her friendship with Gabriel, Dean was really the only person Clarke spent time with. But, and Bellamy was definitely a fool for thinking so, he had always believed somewhere deep inside that Clarke was his, for lack of a better word. It didn't matter who they were with or how far apart they were, they belonged to each other and always would find their way back to one another. And that was why realizing Clarke was starting a family - one he wasn't a part of - with someone else was so shocking to him, so wounding. He - he felt betrayed. Yes. That was the word. After every awful thing they'd done to each other and every hurtful comment they'd made about one another, _this_ was the first time Bellamy actually felt betrayed by Clarke. Somehow this was worse than Clarke leaving him for dead. This meant that she was choosing to not have him in her life. 

Bellamy had just sat down on his regular bar stool and ordered a cup of moonshine when Raven plopped down next to him. 

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," she said by way of greeting. 

Bellamy didn't even spare her a look. He had a feeling this was coming sooner or later. 

"If you're this torn up about the breakup then win Echo back! I mean, really Bellamy. It's not going to be that hard!" 

Bellamy snorted, no one - besides Echo, ironically - knew why he was suddenly on the fast track to being an alcoholic. His friends had just assumed that he was upset about his breakup with Echo and had never asked _why_ they'd broken up to begin with. 

"It's not that simple, Rae," Bellamy told her quietly. 

"Bullshit, it's not. Echo _loves_ you, she'd take you back if you tried. You just have to stop drinking yourself to death." 

"I'm not drinking myself to death," Bellamy argued. 

It was Raven's turn to snort. "What's this really about, Bell? I know you're an idiot, but even you aren't this stupid or helpless. So what's with the Jasper act?" 

Bellamy studied her for a moment debating whether or not he should tell her. _Fuck it_ , he thought. He needed to talk to someone about this. 

"Clarke's pregnant," he told her. 

Raven just blinked at him. "What?" 

"She's having twin." He took a long sip of his drink, relishing the burn. "They're Dean's." 

Raven had an unreadable expression of her face that quickly turned to rage. Finally, he thought, someone else saw how fucked up this was. 

"I can't believe you," Raven hissed. Bellamy just blinked at her. 

"How could you do this to Echo!" she continued, equally if not more angry, "You broke up with her and you don't even have the common decency to mourn your relationship? No! Of course, not! You're still thinking about Clarke!" 

"It's not like that!" Bellamy protested, putting his drink down and turning to Raven fully. 

"No? Then what _is_ it like?" she demanded. 

Bellamy ran a frustrated hand through his hair, "Of course I miss Echo but Raven, Clarke's _pregnant_!" 

"So?" Raven demanded. 

"So!? So! Clarke. Is. Pregnant. With Dean's babies! Why can't anyone see how fucked up this is? She didn't even tell me- us," he corrected, quickly, "that she's seeing him and now she's pregnant? She's barely known the guy for two months and she's having his kids!" 

"Let me repeat myself: So. What!" Raven shouted. 

Bellamy didn't answer. If she couldn't see why Clarke being pregnant was making him crazy then no amount of explaining would ever change her mind. 

"Bellamy," Raven sighed, "You know I love you like a brother but I'm _done_ hearing about the bellarke saga, okay. You had _seven_ years, Bell, to get your shit together, okay, and instead of going after Clarke, like you so clearly want to, or letting her go and actually committing to Echo you instead compare Echo to Clarke at every turn. It's not fair to Echo, Bellamy! She deserves better and you know that," Raven paused to see if Bellamy would disagree but he couldn't. 

Raven continued, "You should've broken up with Echo and tried to get together with Clarke instead of lying to yourself by saying you love Echo-" 

"I do love Echo-" Bellamy argued. 

"Yeah, maybe, but not in the same way you love Clarke." Raven sighed and put a hand on Bellamy's shoulder, "Be with Clarke if you want to or be with Echo if you actually love her, but stop acting like you're helpless in this situation because we both know you're not." 

And without giving Bellamy a chance to respond - though he didn't know what to say back - Raven got up and hobbled out the door without another word. 

Bellamy sighed sounding more like an old man than he had any right to and picked up his drink again. 

Did he love Clarke? It was a question he had made sure to never ask himself but as soon as he thought about it, he knew the answer. Of course, he did. Clarke was - _everything_. She was the reason they were all alive right now. She was the reason he could breathe in the mornings when he woke up, because she was also breathing. She was his redeeming grace, his moral compass, his north star. She was the reason he had his family right now, because she made the hard decisions when he couldn't. And without her, life seemed less colorful, less miraculous. Sure, it was also safer and more peaceful, but he wasn't living those six years in space, he was just not dying. There was a difference.

So yeah, Bellamy loved Clarke. He would _always_ love Clarke. But did he deserve her? _That_ was an entirely different question. 

Maybe he should just go and tell her that he loved her, let her make the hard decision about what to do. She was good at these types of decisions but Bellamy didn't want to place another burden on her. So, maybe he should just love her from afar like he had all those years ago. But he also knew that he couldn't keep loving her while she loved - or fell in love - with someone else again. That had almost killed him the last time.

So really, what the fuck was he going to do? 

"Bellamy FUCKING Blake, you asshole!" Someone screamed from behind him, the door slamming shut behind them. 

He whipped around and a noticeably pregnant Clarke stood across the bar seething, staring right at him. 

### 

Things had been weird for Clarke since she'd slept with Dean. They'd been good - really good. Dean and her were suddenly doing very couple-y stuff. They started having meals together - on purpose now and sometimes she cooked for him - which he ate even though she knew it must have tasted awful. Dean also started telling her about his life on the Ark and about his brother. She found herself quietly thinking that she could get used to this slow sort of happiness. Which was why she was currently freaking out. She wasn't used to things going right for her. 

Laying next to Dean after they'd finished doing _you know_ , with his arm resting underneath her head gave Clarke a much needed break from the daily stress of her life and she'd come to a realization. She wanted to keep _them_. She still had no idea how she was going to take care of them or if she'd have to stay in Sanctum or the new compounds being built or if she'd manage to find a way to live in the woods, but she was going to keep them. They were her's. And she - well, she didn't really know how to explain why she wanted to keep them, she just did. And that was enough. 

The following four weeks were crazy with another checkup appointment with Jackson - who was worried about how high her blood pressure was, more projects being dropped off at the junk shop, having to finally tell her mom that she was going to be a grandmother - which sucked, and just other daily little things. On top of that, Bellamy had been acting weird. Okay, fine, she didn't talk with him enough nowadays to _know_ he was being weird, but he hadn't been paying much attention to how he looked and he seemed more tired and distressed than normal. She'd mentioned this Jordan when Dean had managed to get her to have dinner with Octavia and her friend group and Jordan had mentioned that Bellamy and Echo broke up. And despite herself, Clarke got to worrying about him. She wondered why they broke up. From what she'd seen they looked happy enough. 

The weirdest thing though was that seemingly out of nowhere she'd ballooned in size and was now quite obviously pregnant. People had begun stopping her on the street and congratulating her and asking how far along she was. It was a strange experience for her, someone who was so used to being private, have her business so suddenly public. But it was also nice, in a way. It almost felt like she was just a normal girl in a normal situation. 

Currently, she was standing in front of her mirror looking at her very pregnant belly. It looked like she swallowed a soccer ball or at the very least was much further along than she currently was, one of the side effects of having twins it seemed. She'd been having a weird feeling in her belly all day, on and off. Almost like butterflies were in stomach. For a brief second she thought maybe it was the babies moving but surely it was too soon for that? Nonetheless there was, seeing if she could cause that sensation again. She was drinking cold water, she'd heard that sometimes it caused the babies to turn, but nothing was happening. 

Suddenly, from downstairs a door slammed shut and she heard Raven's voice shout, "Clarke Griffin, get your ass down here!" 

Oh god, what was it now? She hurried downstairs and there Raven was staring at her sonogram on her desk. Raven put the picture back down and looked at her with obvious disdain. 

"You need to stop fucking with Bellamy's head," Raven said without any warning. 

Clarke blinked, "Excuse me?" 

"You. Need. To. Stop. Fucking. With. Bellamy's. Head." 

"Raven," Clarke began, "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." 

"Bellamy and Echo broke up because you're pregnant. I just came from having a conversation with Bellamy who was at the bar. He's practically been living at the bottom of a glass since he found out about your _condition_ ," Raven sneered.

Clarke started getting mad, "I'm sorry, how is me being pregnant have anything to do with Bellamy and Echo's relationship?" 

"Because Bellamy is too obsessed with you to ever commit to Echo and you know that!" 

"Excuse me?" Clarke demanded. 

"Look I don't care that you're playing house with the mechanic, but you need to get your head out of your ass and tell Bellamy you're not interested in him so he can move the hell on!" 

Clarke finally lost her patience, "Get the hell out, Raven." 

"No," Raven crossed her arms and squared up, "Not before you promise me that you're going to stop encouraging Bellamy's interest in you." 

"I've never encouraged Bellamy's interest in me!" Clarke shouted throwing up her arms, "And even if I had done so before, I'd never do so now when I thought he was dating Echo!" 

Why did everyone think she was a home wrecker? 

Raven snorted, "Yeah, cause you've never done so before." 

Clarke froze. "Raven," Clarke said deadly serious, "I never knew Finn had a girlfriend. You know that." 

Raven just rolled her eyes. 

Clarke couldn't take it anymore. "You're not better than me, you know." 

"Like hell I'm not. You're a _murderer_!" Raven hissed. 

Clarke was done pulling her punches. She wasn't the one who went to Raven's home and started shouting. 

"And who do you think gave me that power?" Clarke retorted. 

Raven just looked at her. 

"I _never_ would have been able to kill the grounder army if _you_ hadn't weaponized the fuel. I _never_ would have been able to slay Mount Weather if _Monty_ hadn't helped program the kill switch. I _never_ would have been able to write the fucking list if you hadn't tried to make the Ark survivable. And the Valley wouldn't have been burned if _you_ hadn't flown the fucking ship that did so!" Clarke paused in her rant to take a much needed breath. "I might have pulled the trigger," she continued, "but you _always_ loaded the gun."

Raven stared at her. 

"I might be a murderer but at least I'm not too much of a fucking coward to admit it," Clarke hissed. 

"At least, I didn't leave my family for dead," Raven finally responded. 

"Bullshit!" Clarke shouted, "You left me for dead! You all did!" 

Raven didn't say anything. 

"Why do you hate me," Clarke finally asked. She'd been trying to figure this out and for the life of her couldn't. 

It was a long minute before Raven answered, "Because you're who I'm scared I'm going to become." 

_That_ actually managed to hurt Clarke. Exhausted, Clarke just said, "Don't worry, we're nothing alike." 

Raven just stood there. 

"Just go," Clarke told her. 

"About Bellamy-" Raven tried. 

"Leave!" Clarke snapped. 

And Raven finally did. A sudden cramp pierced Clarke's belly and she gritted her teeth against the pain. Sighing so went to her desk to see if Raven had touched anything else. It appeared she didn't, but Clarke's eyes landed on her sonogram and she remembered why Raven was even there to begin with. How the hell did Bellamy even know she was pregnant? And where the _fuck_ did he get off telling other people? She remembered that Raven said he was at the bar, so grabbing her coat she went to give him a piece of her mind. She swept through the doors of the bar like a hurricane and spotted Bellamy sitting near the back at the counter. 

"Bellamy FUCKING Blake, you asshole!" She shouted.

Bellamy whipped around and looked confused at her. 

"Clarke?" he asked, "What are you doing here?" 

She strode across the room and poked him right in his chest, "Why the hell do you know I'm pregnant? And why for the love of all things holy would you tell anyone?" 

Bellamy stared at her before stuttering out, "Well it's kinda obvious from looking at you." 

"Bellamy," she snapped. 

Bellamy sighed and running a hand through his curls, stood up. "Look, I'm still staying upstairs. Let's not have this conversation in public." 

Clarke glanced around and noticed all the people eyeing them with curiosity. 

"Fine," she snapped again and quickly lead the way to his room. She paused at the top of the stairs at seeing the familiar hallway. This place was still cursed in her mind. But she quickly pushed past her fear and walked straight into his room, with Bellamy trailing behind her. 

She turned to face him, "Well, spit it out." 

Bellamy sighed again and looked at her tiredly, "I saw your sonogram on your desk about a month ago when I came to apologize. I'm sorry for telling Raven, I just needed to talk about it." 

Clarke got in his face, "Well it wasn't your business to tell!" 

Annoyance passed quickly over his face. "Well, it's not like it's really a secret. I mean, I could tell just by looking at you!" 

"It still wasn't your place to say anything. If she wanted to know she could have looked at me herself!" It wasn't really a fair or logical argument, but Clarke was mad and felt betrayed. 

"What?" Bellamy sneered, "Too ashamed of your choices to tell your family?" 

Without thinking Clarke slapped him for the second time in her life. "Don't you dare say I'm ashamed of my children." 

Bellamy ignored the sting on his cheek. "Then why haven't you told us?" A thought occurred to him. "Is this why you pulled away from us all those months ago?" 

Clarke looked at him incredulously. "I didn't pull away, you idiot! I couldn't have pulled away if I wanted to! Pulling away means that you'd have to have tried to get me to stay to begin with!" 

Bellamy snorted, "Of course, you pulled away, Clarke. That's what you do!" 

Clarke ignored his comment in favor of responding, "Then why wasn't I invited to family dinners, Bellamy? I lived here long enough for you all to have them. Or why wasn't I invited on the council, I wouldn't have said yes, but you didn't extend the offer. Hell! Why didn't you guys say anything when I moved out? God, I almost _died_ \- I did die! - why didn't you fucking check up on me?"

Clarke had a point and that pissed Bellamy off. "What would you have wanted us to say? Stay, Clarke?" 

"Yes!" Clarke shouted. 

"Would that had even made a difference? That's what you do, Clarke! You leave! You left after Mount Weather, and you left to go to the lab, and you left me in the fighting pits, and you left to go to the stupid radio tower-" 

"Don't you put that on me!" Clarke enunciated slowly. "Don't you _dare_ put that on me!" 

Bellamy took a deep breath to calm down. "Look, Clarke. I didn't mean it that way-" 

"Yes, you did!" she protested. Another big cramp went through her stomach but she fought through the pain to continue, "Is that what you think? That I want to leave? I've never wanted to leave!" 

Bellamy's eyes narrowed at her, "Don't lie to me, Clarke. You wanted to leave after Mount Weather." 

Clarke finally said what she wanted to tell him for all these years. "I wanted you to come with! I didn't want to be alone in the fucking woods after committing genocide. I wanted to you to offer to come with and to not take no for an answer!" 

"You told me to stay!" Bellamy bellowed at her. 

"And you only do what I say when it saves your own neck! You only listen to me when you secretly want me to give you an out." She said the words like venom. 

Bellamy stared at her, "I loved you!" he shouted and Clarke froze. It was _so_ freeing to finally scream the words at her. In a way, they had always been building to this point. 

"I loved you," he said again, "I would've gone with you! I would've stayed and burned in praimfaya with you if you had let me! You just never could let me love you because god forbid someone like me loves someone like you." 

Clarke shook her head to get rid of her surprise at those words. The ones she had actual dreams about hearing. "Someone like you?" she asked. 

Bellamy sneered at her and continued, "Someone from factory station, someone who's too human to make the hard decision! Someone who is too beneath you for you to love!" 

Tears sprung forth to Clarke's eyes without permission. "You really think that about me?" she asked, "You think I couldn't love you because you're beneath me?" 

Bellamy looked at her hard. "Do you?" he asked. "Do you love me?" 

Clarke just stared at him, "It doesn't matter," she finally said. "If you think I'm that type of person, it doesn't matter!" 

Bellamy surged forward to grab Clarke's face. "Of course it matters, Clarke. Do. You. Love. Me?" 

Clarke couldn't move, couldn't turn her face with him holding her the way he was so just stared up into his fathomless dark eyes. "Of course, I loved you Bellamy," she answered. Not the question he asked, but still an answer. 

Bellamy dropped his hands from her face and looked away, chuckling mirthlessly, "Loved. You _loved_ me." 

The air was suddenly heavier and Clarke felt like she couldn't breathe. What had this turned into. "Bellamy," she whispered reaching out to him. But he pulled away before she could touch him and her hand hung silently between them for a second before she dropped it back to her side. 

Bellamy took a deep breath then turned to speak to her, hope on his face. "I hate you, Clarke. I hate that you leave and tell me to stay. I hate that you chose to be with someone else. I hate that you can breathe, that you live without me like it doesn't hurt you because it hurts me, it always has hurt me to live without you. And I hate that I want you, still, after all this time. But I'm done, Clarke. I'm done using my head. I was _never_ suppose to be the head, Clarke. 

"Leave Dean, Clarke, " Bellamy begged. "Leave him and be with me instead. I don't care that you're pregnant or that he's the father-" Clarke's eyebrows flew up at that, "I don't care that you left me to be with him. I still want you after all this time. Come back to me, please." 

Clarke stared at him speechless. "I - I - I can't," she finally whispered. 

Bellamy's eyes closed and he let out a pained breath. "Clarke," he begged, "That's what we do, Clarke. You leave, I say the wrong things, and we come back to each other. The fucking apocalypse couldn't stop us from finding our way back to each other. So why are you?" 

Clarke stared at Bellamy heartbroken and finally told him what she had realized on the steps of Sanctum all those months ago. "Because you're not the same Bellamy I used to come back to. You've changed. You've lived an entire life without me. And I changed waiting for you. The people we both loved don't exists anymore, Bell. Maybe, we don't love each other anymore. Maybe, we just love each other's ghost." 

Bellamy couldn't say anything to that. Couldn't even begin to think to say anything to that. She had said no. He had bared his heart to her, finally, and she still said no. 

"I need you to leave," Bellamy whispered to her staring at the floor, dazed. She had said no. 

She opened her mouth to say something but the look on his face stopped her, so nodding she just left, ignoring the way her heart clenched as she did so. 

Bellamy was still for a long moment, not doing anything. Just thinking about how this was the end of the greatest love of his life. They had conquered death, traveled through time and space to get back to each other and this was the end of their story. 

He didn't know when it started, but he crossed the room to his bedside table and taking the lamp in his hands smashed it as hard as he could against the floor. He felt an odd relief watching it shatter. He didn't stop there. He tore through his room picking up anything he could get his hands on and destroyed it. He kicked his dresser into pieces, then throw his bedside table against the wall, and then tore his few books in half, throwing the pieces onto the floor as well. He didn't stop till there was nothing left but his bed and only then did he finally sink down and start to cry. 

That's the thing about destruction. It might feel good and simple to destroy things but eventually you run out of things to break and you're left surrounded by rubble and yourself, all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was a lot. Tell me what you think, really. I have no idea if I'm doing this right. While Delarke is fun to write, Bellarke is still relationship goals and endgame. Bellamy won't always be such an asshole. I don't hate Raven, so sorry for writing her like a bitch, she's just kinda been a bitch this season. There's going to be a good Bellamy, Dean, Clarke scene next chapter. Abby might make an appearance, no promises. And Octavia will be mentioned. Leave comments if you want to. Thanks, guys.


	7. Ya'aburnee

It'd been hard for Clarke to find a routine in the days following the fight. She kept thinking about how _devastated_ Bellamy had looked after she said no. She constantly replayed his words in her head. How he had _loved_ her. How he wanted her to stay. How he just _wanted_ her. The girl Clarke had been before would've been enraged that Clarke had walked away. Even now she found herself sick with self loathing at turning away the one person she had spent the last six fucking years of her life waiting for. She kept asking how could she walk away from the man she still loved. But at the same time she knew that they wouldn't work out. 

They brought out the worst in each other. 

She made Bellamy, a man already in the sway of his emotions, even more volatile. He had worked hard to not let his emotions rule him and had succeeded, him being alive right now proved that. But barely five months with her in his life again and he was reduced to screaming at her at parties and lashing out at her when he felt hurt. That wasn't the man she wanted him to be. It _was_ the one she loved, the one craved. But not the one she wanted him to be. Bellamy deserved to be with someone who kept him grounded, someone who kept him sane, someone like Echo who could put her emotions aside. And for all that Clarke had done, she had never been able to put her emotions aside. Not when it came to the people she loved. 

And Clarke did love Bellamy. He made her feel alive and not in that adrenaline junky way. He made her feel like she was living. Jasper had said that they weren't living, they were just surviving but he was wrong. On the Ark Clarke was just surviving, but from the moment she set foot on the ground and met Bellamy - even if it had been painful and horrible at times - she had _lived_. She'd always love Bellamy for that. But her slaughtering Mount Weather to save him and her people, her willingness to steal the bunker so that he could survive, hell even her giving up the bunker because she'd have to kill him to keep it was proof that Bellamy brought out a horrible, _evil_ side of her. A side that didn't care who died if it meant he could live. A side willing to die if he would have a chance at surviving and being happy. 

She was still willing to die for him after all this time. Back when she was fighting Josephine, Clarke had refused to give up until the very moment Josephine told her that Bellamy had wanted a deal that rested on her being dead. It was embarrassing how fast she surrendered after that. And that was fine when no one else needed her. Madi had Gaia and was Heda now, so she would have been fine without Clarke. And her mom was strong, she never needed Clarke to be happy. Hell, Spacekru would probably thrive if she was gone. But her babies, they were a different story. They needed her. No one else would be willing to raise the biological children of Wanheda and honestly, Clarke wouldn't trust any person who was. So, she needed to be around to take care and love them and put them first. And she wouldn't be able to do that if she went back to being Clarke and Bellamy. 

So, she knew she needed to let him go. 

That's what she was trying to do now. Her and Dean were busy fixing up the spare room to be a nursery. Clarke was moving in the furniture and Dean was painting the walls a bright, happy lime green. She was so jealous of Dean in that moment. Every time she looked at the walls she imagined painting vivid scene from Earth. She would paint the forests of Trikru and the oceans of Floukru and the glowing forests of Trishanakru. She'd let her kids sleep surrounded by the most beautiful, happy memories she had. But she couldn't. Her painting and drawing days were behind her. 

"I'm so excited," Dean told her over his shoulder. 

Clarke smiled back at him. "Really? You haven't mentioned." 

They were finding out the sex of the babies today. It was actually quite touching how involved Dean was already with the kids. He made sure Clarke was getting all the vitamins she needed and had even began to gather little baby toys that he thought they'd enjoy. She refrained from telling him that it'd be months before they could even use any of it, but she quietly thought so every time he come home with a baby book or building blocks. 

"Do you have a preference?" he asked, for the third time today. 

He couldn't believe that she hadn't thought about it. 

Sighing, Clarke thought for a second. "I guess two little girls would be pretty cute. Especially if they ended up with their father's dark hair. Plus I have some experience in raising a girl, so it'd probably be easier." 

Dean nodded. "I hope they're boys." 

Clarke laughed and tried not to feel annoyed that he felt he had a right to hope anything about her kids. "Really, why?" 

"Same reasoning as you, actually. I have experience raising a boy." 

Clarke immediately felt guilty. Things with Dean had been strained since her conversation with Bellamy. It didn't help that she hadn't told him about it. 

"What was Sam like?" Clarke asked, wondering how she'd never asked this question before. 

Dean smiled, fondly. "He was great. The best kid you'd ever meet. Besides your's that is. He was smart as a whip and he wanted to see the outside world _so_ bad. He thought things would be better outside our apartment, that things would magically be better." 

"He sounds like he was a great kid," Clarke offered. 

"He was." Dean was quiet after that, seemingly lost in his thoughts. "Would you mind," he began after a few minutes, "if we named one of them after him? It works for a boy or a girl and it'd kinda be like he got to live on this way. You can say no." 

Clarke stared at him for a minute. It was a big ask. When - if, she corrected herself - if they broke up, her child would always have his brother's name. She'd be reminded of Dean every time she looked at them. 

"You don't have to. Forget it, it was stupid," Dean quickly withdrew the question and turned away. 

Clarke felt a sudden burst of affection for Dean. Even if they broke up, she'd still be honored having a kid that was anything like him. She walked up next to him and touching his shoulder, told him, "No, it wasn't stupid. I'd be honored to name my kid after your brother, Dean." 

"Really?" 

Clarke nodded and Dean broke out into a huge smile and leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to her lips. 

"How'd I get a girl so amazing?" 

Clarke blushed and swatted at him. "Hurry up, we have to leave for the appointment soon."

Dean smiled and turned back to finish painting the last wall. Clarke took a step back and looked around the room. The room was small but it was bright and looked happy. She rested a hand on her ever-growing bump. 

"You guys are going to be so loved when you come," she whispered to them. Underneath her hand she felt them turning over a little bit. She loved it. It made them feel even more real. 

Pretty soon Dean was done and changed into paint-free clothes and Clarke was slipping her shoes on. They had just walked out the door when they saw Octavia jogging up to them. 

"Dean! I'm so glad I caught you." 

"We were actually just on our way out, O," Clarke said. 

Octavia grimaced. "Actually the Heda needs Dean." Turning to Dean, she continued, "One of the generators that is suppose to power the compounds is on the fritz and the moving team needs to get it packed and on it's way to Delphikru's compound within the hour if they're going to make it before nightfall." 

"Can't you get Raven to do it? Clarke and I were on our way to a doctor's appointment," Dean had been looking forward to this for weeks. 

But Octavia just shook her head. "Raven left for the Azgeda compound this morning. She's installing their radiation shield today." 

Dean sighed, he turned to look at Clarke, a questioning look on his face. Clarke just nodded, this was obviously important and it _was_ his job. 

"Alright, then. I guess I'm going. Where do I need to report?" 

"The garage," Octavia told him. And after kissing Clarke goodbye, he left. 

Clarke turned back to look at Octavia. She thought for a second about their last conversation and decided maybe it was time to offer an olive branch. 

"Would you like to come with me to my doctor's appointment? I'm finding out the sex today." 

Octavia's face lit up. "Really?" 

Clarke nodded. 

Octavia squealed and nodded. "That's so exciting!" 

Clarke just smiled and began leading the way to the clinic. 

"What do you think they are?" Octavia asked keeping pace with Clarke's slow waddle. That was another thing that happened. She didn't walk anymore, she _waddled_

Clarke smiled, genuinely excited to talk with another girl about this. "I haven't really thought about it much, but I have a feeling they're girls." 

Octavia let another squeal out. "Can you imagine how cute they'd look if they got your blonde hair? You could have two minnie Clarkes." 

Clarke grimaced, "Don't tell me that! My mom said I was a nightmare baby." 

Octavia kept chattering about this and that all the way to the clinic. They were still early so they sat down to wait. 

Clarke glanced at Octavia and admitted, "It's weird being here, isn't it?" 

"Totally," Octavia agreed, laughing. "I never thought the _princess_ would get accidentally pregnant. You also never told me who the father is." 

Clarke laughed, "It was a one night stand with a doctor who's dead now. There's nothing to tell there. I actually meant, it's weird that I'm the one that's pregnant. I always thought you were going to be the one accidentally knocked up. Especially during the dropship days when you and Lincoln went at it like rabbits."

"Oh my god! Can you imagine how Bellamy would have reacted if that happened?" 

Clarke ignored the twinge of pain she felt hearing Bellamy's name and instead said, "I think he would have actually strangled, Lincoln." 

"Probably," Octavia laughed. 

"At least he doesn't have to worry about that now, now that you're with Niylah." 

Octavia looked down, "Actually we ended things." 

Clarke grimaced, "I'm sorry, I didn't know." 

Octavia waved her off. "It's okay, I kinda knew things weren't going to last." 

"What happened if you don't mind me asking." Clarke wanted to know what was going on in Octavia's life. She missed having female friends and even more than that, she missed the days when Octavia and her were close. 

Octavia shrugged, "She looked at me like I was her savior or something. I didn't mind it during my Blodreina days but it started to bother me." 

"That makes sense." 

Octavia sighed, "I don't want to be loved as a concept anymore. I don't want to _be_ a concept anymore. I don't want to be Blodreina or skairipa or the girl under the floor or Bellamy's responsibility. I just want to be Octavia, you know?" 

Clarke laughed, "Yeah, believe me. I get it." And she did. It was the exact same reason she couldn't be with Bellamy. Because he didn't love her, he love the idea of her. And she was tired of being loved as a concept, too. 

"So have you moved on? Are you interested in anyone?" Clarke asked. She didn't know how long things with Niylah had been over. 

First the first time, Octavia blushed. 

"Oooohhh, you are! Who is it?" 

"It's nothing, really. It's a bad idea is what it is," Octavia began. 

"Tell me." 

Octavia looked away. "It's Jordan." 

Clarke blinked. Jordan??? "Monty's Jordan?" 

Octavia groaned, "I know it's a bad idea! We've just been getting closer lately. We started talking about how lonely our childhoods were and how we both had nasty endings to our first loves and it kinda went off from there." 

Clarke blinked. It was hard to get her head around because she'd always think of Jordan as her friend's son, but he was their age, so really what was the problem? 

"It makes sense," Clarke offered, "Does he like you back?" 

Octavia smiled shyly. "He kissed me," she confessed. 

Clarke beamed. "I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you both, you really deserve each other." 

Right then a nurse called Clarke's name and both girls got up and followed her to the exam room. Jackson walked in not too long after. 

"Hello girls," he greeted them, "Ready to find out the sex, Clarke?" 

Clarke nodded, excited. The closer it got the more excited she was. She got up on the exam table and leaned back as Jackson instructed and soon enough she was looking at the ultrasound. Her jaw dropped open when she saw what she was having. Jackson didn't even have to tell her. 

"What? What are they?" Octavia whined. She was the only one who couldn't make sense of the sonogram. 

Clarke turned to her, "I was wrong. I'm not having girls. I'm having twin boys!" 

Octavia squealed and lunged forward to hug Clarke. Clarke cried and laughed and hugged her back. 

As every day passed, this got more and more real. But it had never hit her as hard as it did now. She was going to be a mother! 

"Clarke," Jackson barked and something about his tone caused Clarke to look at him with fear. 

"What's wrong?" she asked. Please, God, please let nothing be wrong with her children. She wouldn't survive it. 

"Your blood pressure is higher than it was last time. Have you been doing the relaxation exercises I told you to?" 

Clarke cringed, "When I remember to." 

"Clarke," Jackson reprimanded, "You know how important this is!" 

"I"m sorry." 

Jackson softened. "Have you been experiencing any exhaustion?" he asked. 

Clarke nodded, "Nothing too bad, I've just been really tired lately. I've been falling asleep at my workbench. I thought it was a normal pregnancy side effect?" 

"Having you been peeing regularly? Have you been experiencing any pain in your abdomen?" 

Clarke winced thinking of two days ago during her fights with Raven and Bellamy when she had felt that awful cramping. "Yeah, I have. Should I be worried?" 

Jackson sighed, "It's probably nothing. But I do want to get a urine sample and a blood test done, if that's alright." 

"What's wrong?" Octavia asked looking between them. Clarke had almost forgotten she was there. 

Jackson looked at Clarke for permission before answering, "It's probably nothing but there is a higher chance of preeclampsia in pregnancies with multiples. I'd rather be safe than sorry." 

Octavia looked worriedly at Clarke and Clarke smiled reassuringly, but on the inside she was freaking out.

After dropping that bomb on them and taking the samples from Clarke, Jackson sent them away with the promise he'd be in contact with the results. 

Octavia and Clarke were quiet for a moment but Clarke needed something to get her mind off of worrying so she asked, "Have you seen Bellamy recently?" 

Octavia gave her a strange look, "No, I haven't. He doesn't really want to socialize with me one on one yet." 

"Would you mind checking in on him?" Clarke asked suddenly. 

"Should I be worried?" Octavia asked seriously. 

"No," Clarke shook her head, "Nothing like that. We just had a-" Clarke paused she wasn't sure how much of their business Bellamy wanted out in the open, "we had discussion that turned into a fight and I think maybe Bellamy could use some family time." 

"Clarke, I'm not sure that's the best idea." 

"Please? Just check in on him and see how's he doing. For me?" Clarke begged. 

Octavia was quiet for a long moment but finally agreed. 

Clarke sighed in relief. At least this was something she could fix. 

### 

In the two days after the conversation, Bellamy had been having a hard time. If there were five stages of grief, Bellamy had catapulted straight into depression. The love of his life had just rejected him, so give him a break. He hadn't been to work, instead begging off as sick so he could just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He hadn't been down to the bar either. He didn't feel like drinking anymore. Drinking helped silence all the thoughts and doubts he had about not being with Clarke. He didn't have doubts anymore, just an empty pit in his chest that he hardly thought alcohol would fix. 

He had given up lying to himself about not loving Clarke. Or pretending it was just a crush. Or even just some young, left over first love. He knew the minute she had admitted to once loving him that he was gone, forever. Even in the face of Clarke basically telling him she didn't love him anymore, he still was hopeful that he could get her to love him again. Hope was all he had. And then it was gone. 

He was laying on bed like he had been all day when a knock came at his door. 

"Go away," he called out. 

The door opened. He groaned and turned to yell at whoever it was. He swore if it was Raven coming to tell him to get his shit together ... 

"Octavia?" He blinked in confusion. They had an unspoken agreement not to bother one another. 

"Hey big brother," Octavia whispered. 

"Is something wrong? Why are you here?" 

Octavia looked around the room slowly and Bellamy became aware that he hadn't cleaned up the mess from his breakdown yet. 

"I don't know. Is there?" she asked raising an eyebrow. 

"I don't want to talk about it," Bellamy warned looking away, "I don't even know why you're here." 

"Clarke asked me to check on you." Octavia crossed her arms and shifted uncomfortably, she still wasn't used to how icy their relationship was. 

"What?" Bellamy whipped his head back to her. 

"She's worried about you." 

"She has a weird way of showing it." 

Octavia sighed and crossed the room to sit next to him. "So, did you finally tell her?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

Octavia give him _the_ look. "Did you finally tell her you're head over heels for her?" 

Bellamy was silent. He still didn't trust Octavia and wasn't in a place to forgive her, but _god_ did he want to talk about Clarke. And the rest of his family was still in a weird spot with her. Octavia, though, was friends with Clarke, so maybe she was the right person to speak with.

"I told her," he began, "that I wanted her to leave Dean and be with me and she said no. That she didn't love me." He looked down at his lap and swallowed the grief that was struggling up his throat. 

"She told you she didn't love you?" Octavia asked. 

"Not in those words but yeah. She said she loved me. Past tense. And that she didn't even know me anymore and I didn't know her." 

Octavia was biting her lip and avoiding eye contact. 

"Spit it out, O." 

Octavia turned to him, "She's not wrong you know. You guys don't know each other." 

"How could you say that!" Bellamy snarled, "Of course I know her." 

Octavia raised an eyebrow. "What's her favorite color?" 

" _What_?" 

"What's her favorite color. If you know her you should know this." 

Bellamy stared at her, "I don't know but-" 

"It's brown. Like dirt. She told me it makes her feel safe. What's her favorite smell?" 

"Who has a favorite smell?" Bellamy demanded. 

"It's wildflowers, like the kind that grew in the valley-" 

"So, I don't know stupid small things about her, I know all the important things." 

Octavia laughed, "Okay then, why'd she move out of here and into the junk shop?" 

Bellamy knew this one. "Because she wanted to live with Dean," he spat, bitterly. 

Octavia shook her head. "Wrong. She didn't even know Dean then, Bell. She couldn't breathe in her old room. She kept having panic attacks where she'd think she was being bodyjacked again. She wanted a fresh start." 

Bellamy stared at her. "She never told me." 

"You never asked, either." Octavia sighed, "Look Bell, I love you and I know you love her. But you don't _really_ know her. You know Clarke at the extremes. You know her in the face of war and dealing with tragedy. And that's important but it's not who a person is. A person is that and they're favorite color and everything in between. Clarke deserves to be loved for who she is. She deserves to seen as a person. Hell, she deserves to just be seen." 

"I love her, though! I might not know everything about her, but I love her." 

Octavia smiled sadly, "I know you do. But you also don't need to rush into this, Bell. For the first time in forever, we have _time_. Get to know her, who she was then and who she is now. You can wait for her. It's only fair. She waited for you for six long ass years. Just be in her life and she'll come around." 

"How do I do that? How do I get to be in her life again?" Bellamy asked with desperation. He honestly had no clue. 

Octavia snorted, "You just show up and keep showing up. That's most of the battle, right there." 

Bellamy stared at her for a long moment then nodded. He could show up. He _would_ show up. He needed to show up. He needed the hope that one day, she'd let him into her life, even if it was only as a friend. 

### 

Later that night Bellamy walked to the junk shop with a small baby book in hand. He had to tried his last book for it, but he wanted to do something to show Clarke he was serious about respecting her choices. If she wanted him in her life only as a friend, he'd take it and be grateful.

He knocked on the door and when no one responded, pushed it open. 

"Clarke? I brought something for-" 

The book dropped from his hand and he stood frozen. 

Laying on the floor a few feet away, next to the workbench was Clarke. She haloed by a pool of blood and seizing, just like she had with Josephine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really hard to write. I wanted to post something today before I had to go to an event so there’s probably spelling errors but I’ll get to them when I get to them. Thanks for reading it guys. Leave comments, if you want, they help me feel like i’m Doing something right. Bellamy and Clarke are going to have a good scene next chapter and so is gabriel


	8. Cosmogyral

Bellamy dropped to his knees in front of Clarke. His hands shook as they hovered over her convulsing body, not sure whether he should try to hold her or if it was best to leave her alone for the moment. His heart was galloping in his chest and he swore he could feel it cracking ribs every time it thumped against his chest. 

"Help! Anybody!" he shouted, not taking his eyes off Clarke. 

In the back of his mind he knew he should get her to a doctor's or just do _something_ but he couldn't. He was frozen with fear. 

"Oh my god! Clarke!" 

Thank God, he thought when he heard someone enter behind him. He twisted sharply and there Dean was standing in the exact same position Bellamy had just moments before. 

Dean quickly rushed to Clarke's side and sank down next to Bellamy. "What happened!?" he shouted, hands hovering over Clarke's body much like Bellamy's. 

Seeing Dean's panic in some odd way helped Bellamy think clearly. He quickly pulled off his shirt and pressed it the still bleeding gash on Clarke's forehead. She must of hit it on the edge of the table when she started seizing. That must be where all the blood was coming from. 

"We need to get her to the clinic," Bellamy could hear the words coming out of his mouth but he couldn't feel himself say them. He felt detached, like he was floating a few feet above his body. 

Dean nodded and after hesitating for few unbearably long moments, scooped a still shaking Clarke into his arms and stood to make his way to the door. Bellamy right behind him. 

Now, Bellamy had been in some awful moments in his life. He had made his way across a grounder army wearing a disguise, had crawled through shafts within a mountain of blood-stealing monsters, had had to leave behind half of his soul on a burning planet. But this moment? This was by far the worst. He thought nothing could top praimfaya. He had thought Clarke was dead for _six years_ but he hadn't seen her die. Hadn't been forced to watch helpless as she suffered. He had never had the image before in his mind. But now he saw it. Clarke injured, probably bleeding much like now. It played through his head like the worst of tortures as Dean and him sprinted their way through the village. Was this his final moments with Clarke? Was she going to die without them ever finding their way back to each other? In the back of his mind, Bellamy was already making contingency plans. He wouldn't live again with Clarke dead, _couldn't_ live her being dead. He wasn't strong enough. 

They burst through the clinic's doors like a storm. Clarke had finally stopped shaking but she hadn't woken up and somehow that was worst. She looked like a corpse, pale and unresponsive. 

"We need help!" Bellamy shouted at the shocked doctors. 

"Bellamy, what are you - is that Clarke!?!" Abby appeared out of nowhere, rushing up to hover near them, anxiously staring at her daughter in Dean's arms. Behind her, he could vaguely make out Octavia staring at him. 

"Jackson prepped a room now. Dean, what happened?" Abby barked, stealing Bellamy's attention back. She quickly started towards the back where the operation rooms and exam rooms were located. If Bellamy had more space in his brain to think, he would be offended that Abby's questions were directed towards Dean and not him. Right now, though, all he could feel was grateful that no one was asking him to do anything but watch Clarke's chest for any sign that her breathing was failing. 

"I don't know," Dean answered, "She was like this when I walked in." 

"She was on the floor seizing," Bellamy quickly filled in. 

Clarke was placed on a bed and Jackson along with another doctor rushed in. The nurses started ushering Dean and Bellamy back away from Clarke but they both refused to leave the room, instead standing right at the door watching as a gaggle of doctors checked her breathing and her pulse. 

"Her breathing is steady," Abby gasped with relief. 

"So is her pulse," Jackson offered. 

"Get her started on oxygen," Abby ordered the last doctor and even though he outranked Abby, he quickly complied. 

"It's preeclampsia for sure," Jackson told Abby in a hushed tone so Dean and Bellamy wouldn't hear, although they did. "I tested her urine earlier today myself and protein was present." 

"If she's seizing then it's progressed to full blown eclampsia. Someone get a ultrasound machine in here, stat!" Abby barked. 

For the first time, Bellamy thought about the babies. In the rush of finding Clarke and racing over here, he never thought about the twins. He glanced at Dean and show his breathing stutter as he realized something could be wrong with his children. 

The machine was rushed in and they quickly hooked it up and began the examination. He heard the dual heartbeats fill the room and it hit him like a ton of bricks. 

"The heartbeats are slower than normal but still within the healthy ranges. The extra oxygen should bring them back to normal," Third doctor offered. 

"Get an IV started to bring down her blood pressure," Abby ordered. 

Bellamy didn't hear a word. He was staring at the sonogram. The babies - Clarke's babies - were right there. He could see them moving and kicking their little legs as they struggled to breathe. He, himself, was struggling to breathe. He had _resented_ them for stealing Clarke away but it all disappeared now. Clarke was going to be a mom - again. He had missed it the first time around and he was too much of a jackass to accept them and had almost missed it again. 

"Are they going to be alright?" he found himself asking. Even to his own ears he sounded dazed. 

Abby jerked her head up like she just realized they were still in the room. "What are you doing here?" she demanded, "Get out, you're a distraction we can't afford right now." 

Bellamy was still too gobsmacked by the sight of Clarke being hooked up to machines and the sight of _her_ kids to protest as Dean and him were forced from the room. Right before they were lead to the waiting room, a nurse stopped him and offered him a scrub shirt. He glanced at it questioningly, before realizing he was still shirtless from trying to stop the blood flow on Clarke's head. He took it and pulled it on but still felt not all the way there. He kept replaying the image of Clarke's babies in his mind's eye as he walked into the waiting room. He knew she was pregnant but he hadn't honestly come to terms with what that meant till this very moment. 

Right as he stepped into the waiting room, a body crashed into his chest and wrapped their arms around him. 

"Oh my god, Bellamy. Is she alright?" the body asked. He glanced down and saw _Echo_ of all people hugging him. 

"Echo? What are you doing here?" He glanced up and saw the rest of Spacekru and Jordan huddle around the front desk berating the clerk for information. 

Echo pulled back from him and gave him a worried look, "Octavia came and got us. She said Clarke came in covered in blood and unconscious?" 

Bellamy could hear the worry and question Echo's tone, but couldn't answer it. Dean, thankfully, stepped in to save him. He never thought he could be so happy Dean was there, but tonight was full of surprises. 

"Clarke had a seizure. Jackson said something about it maybe being preeclampsia?" He looked at Bellamy in question and Bellamy nodded, still out of it. 

"Is she going to be alright?" Raven demanded, coming to stand next to Echo. If this was any other situation, Bellamy would have snorted at the concern he heard in her tone. Raven _hated_ Clarke. 

"I don't know," he said honestly, "I don't know." 

And maybe that was one too many things for the night because Bellamy started crying then and couldn't stop. He kept wiping the tears away as soon as they fell but more came to replace them. How many times would he have to cry over Clarke, he thought. Echo moved to hug him but he stepped back. He didn't want her right now. She was a reminder of losing Clarke the first time. And he couldn't think of losing Clarke right now if he wanted to remain a semblance of a person. 

Raven also stepped forward to comfort him but he backed away again until he was pressed into a wall. He hiccuped as he sobbed, chocking on his own breath. The universe was too cruel a place to live in to make him almost lose Clarke so many times. How many times before he lost her for good? And maybe he already had, he thought, maybe she'd wake up and still want nothing to do with him because he what? Was angry that she sought out happiness with another man? Was hurt because she moved on like he had tried to do? Was starting a family without him? They seemed like such stupid, petty reasons now in the face of what could of happened. 

Octavia, who had been hanging near the back of the group, slowly crept forward and even though Bellamy tried to ward her off, she kept advancing until she had him tucked in her arms and he was bowed around her, sobbing into her hair. He was never more glad that he had a sister than he was now. Was never more grateful that no matter what he'd manage to screw up, he hadn't manage to break _this_ relationship. 

"It's going to be alright big brother, she's going to be alright," Octavia comforted and he fought to believe her. He really did. 

"I almost lost her," he sobbed. "I keep almost losing her!" 

"I know, Bell, but you didn't. You haven't. She's going to be okay. I promise." 

It took all the strength Bellamy had left in his body but he managed to forced the tears down and take in a few shuttering breaths. Octavia guided him to a chair and he practically collapsed into it. Octavia sat down across from him. Slowly, Spacekru followed their example. Jordan took a seat right next to Octavia and placed a comforting arm around her. Bellamy briefly wondered when that had happened. Murphy took a seat next to him with Emori sitting beside her fiancé. Raven took the seat on the other side of Bellamy with Echo sitting next to her. Bellamy was never more aware of the gap Monty and Harper had left in their little family than he was right now.

"It would be Griffin," Murphy finally muttered, "Never could let things run smoothly." 

"Shut. The. Hell. Up." 

Bellamy looked at Dean who was ready to pounce on Murphy for his comment. He had spat the words like acid and looked ready to throttle them into Murphy's skull. It was weird the intense relief Bellamy felt at having someone else love Clarke like he did. Have someone else defend Clarke like he would. Though it burned to admit, if Bellamy couldn't be with her, he was glad someone like Dean could. 

Murphy looked ready to fire back - that was what Murphy did when someone he loved was hurt, he got belligerent - but a sharp look from Bellamy silenced him. 

"Are the babies alright?" Raven quietly asked to him. 

Bellamy let out a dry laugh. "Do you even care, Raven?" He looked around the room. "Do any of you even care?" 

Raven didn't say anything. No-one said anything. Octavia and Jordan both just looked at him with raised eyebrows, asking the same question back at him. 

"Can we not do this here," Echo asked finally, "please?" 

Bellamy just nodded, not really in the mood to have this fight even though he was the one that started it. 

Finally after what seemed like hours, Abby came into the waiting room. She looked exhausted, like she had aged years in leaps and bounds. She looked like a grandma, Bellamy thought ironically. She stared around the room. Looking over each of them before closing her eyes and taking a deep shuddering breath, like she was trying to find strength. 

No, Bellamy thought. No, not now. Not today. Not ever. 

"Abby?" Dean asked, "What's happening?" 

Abby opened her eyes and stared at him before opening and closing her mouth several times. 

The world hung still for a second. Everyone seemed to hold their breath waiting to hear Clarke's fate. Not even Murphy spoke. 

"Clarke's fine," Abby sobbed, "she's awake. She could've died but she's going to be okay." 

And just like that the world righted itself and everything was correct in the universe and everything was going to be okay. 

### 

Clarke had barely woken up and still was in the thrall of sleep when Dean, Bellamy, and Spacekru came flying in through the doors. She barely had time to sit up before Dean was pulling her closer to him and dropping hundreds of little kisses all over her face before finally pressing a soft, slow kiss to her mouth. Clarke pulled back a little but still kept their noses and foreheads touching. 

"Hi," she whispered. 

Dean barked out a laugh. "Hi, honey-pie," He whispered back. 

Clarke leaned forward and placed another lingering kiss to his mouth before pulling back all the way. 

She looked over and saw a red-eyed Bellamy staring at her without something akin to awe. 

She was nervous about what to say, the fight still fresh in her mind but she had nothing to worry about because Bellamy lunged forward to wrap her in a huge, crushing embrace. 

" _Never_ ," he began, "scare me like that again." 

After hesitating a second, she returned the hug. 

"I'll try my best not to," she joked. 

It felt right being in Bellamy's arms. Like she had found something she had lost years before and thought she'd never find again. 

"How are you feeling, Clarke?" Raven asked over Bellamy's shoulder and Clarke finally turned her attention to the rest of the people in the room. 

"Fine," she answered. Honestly, she felt crappy. Like all she wanted to do was sink down into the bed and sleep for a hundred years, but you didn't tell people you used to be friends with that kind of thing. 

She hesitated for a moment before thinking _screw it_. "Why are you all here?" 

They looked at each other before Emori stepped forward, "We're your friends Clarke. Of course we'd be here." 

She should let it go. She knew that. But also, friends? Since when were they friends? 

"We're not friends," she countered, "We're barely anything to each other." 

"Of course we're friends, Griffin," Murphy stepped in. 

Clarke narrowed her eyes. "Shut up, Murphy. You plotted to kill me who knows how many times! All of you at one time or another have either tried to kill me or have wished me dead. We are _not_ friends, we're old war buddies at best. More realistically, we were people forced to use each other to survive." 

They all looked away and didn't say a word. Not even Bellamy. 

Clarke sighed, "Look, I appreciate you showing up. I really do. But next time, don't. Please. I don't want people to show up just because I'm sick or hurt or dying. If you show up, I want you to be there when things are good and normal or because you missed me. I don't want your pity or any friendship that looks like _this_." 

She was about to continue when a huge sharp pain shot through her stomach and she cried out curling over onto herself. 

Her mother quickly rushed to her side, elbowing Bellamy out of the way. "Okay that's enough, Clarke. You can't get worked up anymore, honey. It's not good for the babies." 

Clarke fought through the pain to speak, "What's wrong with me?" 

Abby stroked her hair out of her face and reassured her. "Nothing we can't fix, love. You've developed preeclampsia which has progressed to full blown eclampsia. It's common in first pregnancies and with pregnancies with multiple fetuses. Which is both in this case. The important thing right now, honey, is to rest and avoid stress. Which means," she turned to look at Spacekru, "all of you, out." 

They protested, because of course they did, but eventually allowed themselves to be steered out the room. All besides Bellamy who shot Abby a look that dared her to even try. 

Abby turned back to Clarke. "You're officially on bedrest now. And I'm putting you on medicine to bring down your blood pressure and help take the strain off your heart. We also might need to deliver them earlier than anticipated." 

Clarke nodded and glanced at Bellamy, she wondered why he was still here. But she also wasn't going to do or say anything that might make him leave. From her other side, Dean reached out and grabbed her hand. Clarke barely remembered to squeeze back. 

### 

In the month and half that followed her first seizure, Clarke had three more. Each time Dean - and Bellamy - would rush to her side and hold her long after she stopped shaking. But the seizures were nothing compared to the way her belly had ballooned out. She was 26 weeks pregnant - only 3 months left before she was a mother - and she swore she couldn't grow another inch without popping open like an exploded melon. She had been confined to her room these past weeks and was slowly but surely going stir crazy. She would've tried to make a run for it already if Bellamy hadn't started spending every waking moment next to her. 

Clarke had never seen this side of Bellamy before. The closest she had ever seen was the way Bellamy had tried to protect Octavia in those early dropship days. He would drop by before work and immediately again afterwards. He would spend his meals next to her and tell her stories about anything he could think of. He barely let her get out of bed to go to the bathroom without trying to help her. Dean had even made a few comments about how Bellamy had turned into her own personal service dog. 

That was another thing that had changed. Dean and Bellamy had seemed to come to some sort of understanding. They had started hanging out in their spare time when they weren't fussing over Clarke. Bellamy had found out that Dean didn't like reading and had about lost his mind trying to prove Dean wrong. 

"You just haven't found the right genre," Bellamy had insisted. 

Dean had relented and found out that while most genres bored him to tears, he absolutely loved horror books and even western stories. Clarke was a little miffed with Bellamy about that, because Dean had insisted on telling her the plot, detail by detail, of every book he now read. 

Bellamy had also taken to trying to help Clarke find her passion. He insisted that he would find a way for her to draw or paint again if it killed him. He spent two weeks pouring over old books in Sanctum's library before he came back with a solution. Finger-painting. Though it felt juvenile and was nowhere near the quality of what she used to produce, she had managed to start making some impressionist like paintings and for that she was beyond grateful. The one downside was that anything she now touched was permanently stained. Even Bellamy's neck collar when she leaned forward to hug him with gratitude for giving her her hands back. 

The days seemed more bearable with Bellamy by Clarke's side now. She felt less alone. At first she was worried that her ever-growing stomach would create a riff between them but Bellamy had seemed to change his mind overnight on her condition. He started filling the baby's room with all sorts of knickknacks - something his sister had also taken to doing. Octavia had stopped by with an armful of baby clothes she had sewn together herself and Clarke lost the battle to not cry. Bellamy, even though he was also gifted in sewing, had taken to giving Clarke baby books about the greek gods. 

"They're never too young to learn history," he had protested when Clarke had told him they wouldn't understand a word of those stories. 

It felt nice, like home, when he came around. And as the day passed she found herself begging him more and more to just stay for a _little_ longer, until he was spending half the nights by her side. She was worried that he'd grow to resent her and her neediness but instead started telling her stories about Earth's constellations. 

"The Geminis were twins too, you know," he'd tell her or "There were a cluster of stars that used to form a drinking gourd called the big dipper - that's the constellation where the North Star was found". 

Clarke listened, soothed by his voice, until he ran out of stories to tell her about the old stars. And when that happened she asked him to create myths and legends for these new ones outside her window. And of course, he did. 

He'd sit in front of her open window long past dark and point to a cluster of stars here or there and tell her great tales about what they meant. 

"Those over there," he'd say about a constellation that looked like the tip of a finger pointing across the sky, "is called Monty. It's named after a man that pointed the way home when humanity was lost." or "Over there," he'd say, "is Lexa. See how it looks like the bow of a ship? It's named after a great hero that steered the last of our people into peace." or, the most touching one by far, "That one, right there. The one that looks kinda like an eye. Is named Griffin after the greatest Earthen hero we have. It bares her name because she watches over us all in times of need." 

"It looks quite frightening," she'd always reply. 

"That's just cause you can't see it the way I do," he'd always make sure to tell her. 

Sometimes they'd even fall asleep curled next to each other on the floor, but every morning she'd wake up tucked into her bed, with Bellamy gone. 

The others also came around. Madi the most often of them. She'd stop by for a few minutes at a time and tell Clarke about how the compounds were coming along and they'd reminisce about the old valley days. Echo also came around a lot, though she and Clarke barely had anything in common. Instead, after saying hello to Clarke, Echo would make her way downstairs to keep Dean company in the workshop. Clarke could hear their laughter filtering up throughout the day and would smile happy that Echo wasn't alone like she had feared. 

One night, Bellamy was laying on the floor next to Clarke staring up out the window at the stars like they always did. He was slowly stroking Clarke's baby bump and was whispering to her the story of the constellation "Wells" - another favorite of hers - when he paused. Clarke had been falling asleep with head resting against his shoulder, her body tucked against his. But at his pause she opened her eyes and twisted to look at his face. He was staring at her with an odd expression. 

Clarke smiled back quizzingly when Bellamy leaned down and placed the softest of kisses on her mouth. "God, I love you," he confessed on a sigh. 

Clarke reared back to stare at him, sitting up as she did so. Bellamy also slowly sat up. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and looked back at the stars. 

"You see the constellation next to Griffin?" he asked, "The one that looks like the curve of a smile? Well that's called Blake. It follows Griffin across the heavens every night and disappears with it every day, but it'll always come back. It'll always follow Griffin no matter what. Cause that's what Blake does." 

He turned to look back at Clarke. " _I'd_ follow you anywhere if you let me, Clarke. Cause that's what I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is chapter 8!!! I didn't expect to get this far. The fic is almost done so hang in there. There's going to be a big Bellarke scene next chapter and a big Delarke scene as well. How was this chapter? I honestly can't tell anymore I've been rereading it so much. Thank you for reading and commenting, guys. It makes this all worth it.


	9. Laconic

Clarke stared at him, unsure what to do. She sat down on the bed with the weight of what he was trying to say. 

"Bellamy," she whispered heartbroken, "I'm with Dean. You know that." 

Bellamy laughed sadly, "I do. I know that you're with him and that he's an amazing guy, Clarke. And I know that I'm a bastard for telling you this now, but I need to, Clarke. I've lived with regret for so long and I can't let this be another thing I never say. I need to tell you. _Please_ let me tell you." 

Clarke shook her head but gestured for him to continue. She also needed to hear this. 

Bellamy cradled her hands between his and kneeled between her knees. "I love you, Clarke," he confessed, "I've loved you for so long, Clarke, and I didn't know it till you closed the dropship doors and I was so grateful that you got to live, even if it meant I didn't. I've loved you since the day trip where you forgave a sin I was going to die for. I've loved you when I was in the mountain and even after you left. I've you when you loved and lost Finn and Lexa. I've loved you during our final days on Earth and everyday after when you were gone. 

"I tried, Clarke, I _tried_ to love Echo like I loved you but I couldn't. I couldn't give myself like that to someone else. Not with her or Bree or Gina. You're inside me, Clarke. You're inside my soul. And I've tried to let you go, I've tried, but I can't. 

"Be with me, Clarke," he begged, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers, "Be with _me_ , love. We can run away. We can live in the woods or in another compound or in space or anywhere. I'll follow you anywhere, Clarke. I know that you're with Dean, but leave him. I hate myself for asking this, but leave him and be with me. I'll love your children like my own, Clarke. I'll love them so much because they're yours. We can be together if you just say yes. We can get married! And I can build us a house in the middle of nowhere and our kids can have space to grow away from war and conflict and pain. And we can have a good life, Clarke, the best of lives. 

"I love you. I've loved you almost since my first day on the ground and I'll love you long after my last. You own me, Clarke. Heart, body, and soul. Let me own you back. Just say yes," he begged, staring at her with eyes full of emotion. Begging her to love him back. 

Clarke didn't say anything, she just leaned forward and crashed their mouths together. In an instant Bellamy was returning the kiss. It was messy and sloppy because he kept breaking it by smiling against her lips, but it was the best kiss Clarke had ever had. He wound his fingers in her long hair and pulled her even closer to him like he was trying to make them one person instead of two, like he was trying to keep her with him always. 

Clarke placed a thousand little kisses on his freckles like she had always wanted to before giving him a slow and deep kiss one last time, before she pulled away with tears running down her cheeks. 

"I can't Bellamy," she sobbed, "I can't. I want to, _god_ you'll never know how much I want to, but I can't." 

Bellamy only moments before looked elated but it was quickly replaced with horror. "Why?" he gasped. 

Clarke wiped the tears running down her face but more quickly replaced them. "I'm with Dean. I made a promise to be with Dean. I can't leave him for you now. It's not right." 

Bellamy's face contorted into a snarl and the hand that was still tangled in Clarke's hair tightened into a fist. He stood up, but refused to let her go, forcing him to hunch over her and crowd against her. He buried his face into her neck and every time he tried to move away from her, he came back like some invisible, magnetic force was drawing him closer even as he tried to flee. Clarke's neck grew wet with his tears, but still he refused to let her go, refused to leave. 

He pushed her down, flat against the bed and crowded over her. He started raining kisses down upon her like a spring shower. Placing kisses along her cheekbones and on the sides of her lips and her eyelids and down her neck to her chest. Every time she arched up into him, chasing the feel of his mouth on her, he'd push her back down with a hand on her hip and other one resting just below her neck. He trailed down her body kissing her rounded stomach and against her hips, before hovering above her core. 

She stopped breathing. She knew she should push him away, knew that this was the ultimate betrayal to Dean, knew that Dean was too good a man to ever deserve this. But she had waited years to feel his mouth on her, _years_ and some sick, twisted part of her wanted him to just _take_ it so she wouldn't have to hate herself for giving it to him. This way she could lie and say she did nothing, instead of choosing once again to destroy another person. She waited with bated breath for him to pull down her pants and _finally_ give them both the satisfaction they'd craved for years. 

But Bellamy pulled back and kissed her cheek instead. It would almost be friendly if he hadn't lingered so long. Then he pulled back all the way and stood, leaving Clarke splayed against the bed. 

"I need to go," he gasped in a wrecked voice. She never seen him look so dazed. And he left her there on the bed without waiting for her to respond.

Even before the door finished shutting, Clarke was sobbing into her hands. Why did they always have the worst timing, she thought. Why couldn't he have asked her like this after the rebellion? Or during the party? Why did he have to wait till she was so close to finding happiness with someone else to tell her he loved her? It wasn't fair! It was never fair. 

A timid knock sounded at the door and Clarke quickly brushed away her tears. "Come in," she sniffled. 

Dean slowly opened the door and peaked around the corner. He didn't say anything when he saw her, just frowned and slowly came to sit by her on the bed. 

He didn't look at her when he sat, just stared straight ahead before slowly, hesitantly reaching for one of her hands. Clarke could barely stand to give it. 

"It's funny, isn't it?" he finally asked. 

Clarke looked at him, eyes still watering, with a questioningly glance. 

"How fucked this is," Dean clarified. 

Clarke swallowed thickly. "How much did you hear?" 

Dean laughed mirthlessly, "Enough." 

Clarke squeezed her eyes closed. "Dean ... I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that. I chose you!" 

"Because you're too scared to choose Bellamy." 

Clarke expected Dean to be angry or jealous or _something_ but instead he just looked resigned and that was somehow so much worse. 

"What do you want me to do?" Clarke asked, "Tell me and I'll do it. I'll do anything." 

Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face, before turning to look at her. "I want you to be with who you love, Clarke," he told her earnestly. " _I_ want to be with someone who loves me!" 

"I do love you!" 

Dean laughed, "I believe you. But you love me like a friend, Clarke. Like someone who was with you when you needed someone - anyone. But I don't want to be anyone, Clarke. I want to be your first and _only_ choice." 

Clarke looked away. "I chose you, though." 

Dean gently turned her head back to him. "Do you love me?" he asked, "Are you _in_ love with me?" 

Clarke opened and closed her mouth trying to figure out what to say. "I could," she insisted, "given time." 

Dean kissed her, just once and it felt more like a goodbye than anything he had said had. "Love doesn't happen because you want it to, Clarke. Love happens when you're not looking and you love Bellamy." 

Clarke started crying again. "But I don't want to love him!" 

"No, you just don't want to be hurt, Clarke. There's a difference. Just talk to him. Don't make us ending be in vain, alright?" 

Clarke nodded hesitantly and Dean left. 

### 

That night Clarke slept the worse she ever had. And that said a lot. She kept thinking about how she was now truly alone. She'd driven both Bellamy and Dean away by loving the other and now she was all alone again. She didn't know how she kept managing to fuck up her life. It wasn't like she went out of her way trying to make destructive decisions, they just seemed to always happen. She'd try more than anything to do good and things would still implode around her. 

By the time morning came, Clarke had been laying in bed staring at the wall for hours. Usually around this time Bellamy would be coming by to have breakfast with her. But that was over now. There was no way he'd come back after she rejected him ... again. And Dean would want space from her following their breakup and she'd have to try her best to give it to him. That was the least she could do after almost cheating on him. 

So, yeah. She was moping. She had curled in on herself and was slowly stroking her belly whispering to them and herself that everything was going to be alright. She tried to believe it but that was proving more difficult than anticipated. 

She was starting to finally fall asleep again around noon when a knock came at her door. She furrowed her brows wondering who it could possibly be when the door pushed open and there Bellamy was. She stared in awe. What was he doing here? 

He shuffled a little before finally saying. "If this is too awkward I can leave." 

"No!" Clarke shouted. "No," she repeated in a lower tone, "but why are you here?" 

Bellamy looked down. "Because we always have meals together and I missed breakfast. Just because I said ... _that_ ... doesn't mean anything has to change. I don't want anything to change." 

Clarke stared at him. "You don't?" 

Bellamy looked up at her, smiling bitterly. "Of course, I do. But if things can't, well I don't want to lose you either. I can be happy with this, Clarke." 

Clarke studied him for a long moment before standing and crossing the room to hug him. "Thank you," she whispered against his shoulder. 

Bellamy slowly hugged her back and things almost felt normal, like they could work out in her favor.

In the two months that followed his confession, Bellamy kept coming around. Clarke could hardly believe it but he'd stop by for breakfast and dinner just like he used to. He never brought up their conversation again. Instead he went back to telling her about the constellations but avoided mentioning their two. He told her about the old world's history, centering around the Mediterranean. When she started going stir crazy he'd bring her paint and sit for hours to let her paint him. She had scores of little paintings of Bellamy's curls and freckles and some even of his hands, though none did the true form justice. He'd take her to the doctors like he used to and helped her pick a date for the c-section. They had decided on July 7th when Clarke would be 35 weeks pregnant. Bellamy had argued that July was a nice warm month to have them around and although she agreed, she hadn't picked that date for that reason. She liked it because it was only two days before his. She knew that didn't mean her boys would turn out like Bellamy but she'd take any chance of it right now. Her seizures had been getting closer and closer together and Bellamy was now hovering anxiously around her at all times. She had argued against it but he'd taken to camping out in her room just in case she needed him at any time. Resigned, she had invited him to share her bed but he refused in favor of the floor. Sometimes she'd catch him staring at her longingly when he thought she wasn't looking and her stomach would clench in this weird, unfamiliar way. 

It was almost like that day never happened, except he made sure not to sit too close to her anymore. It was nothing really, just a few extra inches of space but Clarke _hated_ it. She resented that little bit of distance he kept between them at all times. Hated how far away he felt. Craved the warmth of his body against hers like it had when he had pressed her into the bed all those nights ago. She had started dreaming of him the longer he stayed in her room without touching her. She'd wake up from dirty dreams about his hands and his lips and then see him when she opened her eyes. It was driving her insane. She thought about reaching out to him and pulling him onto her but she couldn't. Was too scared he'd reject her after all those times she'd rejected him. 

It all came to a head in her 33rd week of pregnancy. She felt huge and her belly was starting to get in the way of even the simplest tasks. She had stopped wearing pants all together in favor of easier to put on dresses. She also liked the way it made Bellamy stare at her legs. But things were still difficult to remove. In this case taking off her shoes was next to impossible. 

She was sitting on her bed trying to toe off her flats - she'd traded boots for flats sometime during the third month - and getting increasingly frustrated when she couldn't. Bellamy was sitting on the pallet of covers he had dragged into her room trying to read. But he kept getting distracted by her failure to preform even that and had started chuckling at her. 

"Here, let me help," he laughed crawling towards her. 

He picked up her left foot and slipped the shoe off before gently placing it down on the floor. He then took the right foot and did the same. Except he didn't let go. He slowly stroked her calf up and down before he quickly realized what he was doing and jerked away. 

He looked up to apologize but froze at the pure, wanton desire dripping from Clarke's face. He was kneeling between her thighs and looked so much better than any man had a right to, that Clarke couldn't help herself. She leaned forward and without thinking carded her fingers through his curls and pulled him towards her for a kiss. 

They barely touched lips when Bellamy pulled back. 

"What about Dean," he asked. 

Clarke blinked trying to make sense of his question before she realized what he was asking. "We broke up ages ago." 

The words were barely out of her mouth before Bellamy had crashed his lips into her. Clarke let out a surprised moan at the decadence of his taste and pushed closer. 

Bellamy gripped her hips and dragged her closer to the edge of the bed, closer to him. He fit himself better between her thighs and started running his hands up and down her back before slipping them underneath her shirt. He traced patterns on the small of her back and Clarke arched even closer. She wanted to be flushed against him but her belly kept getting in the way. 

She was tired of being so far from him. "Flip me over," she demanded between hot kisses. 

Bellamy paused as he registered what she said. "Are you sure you want to...?" 

"More sure than anything. Please, I want you," she begged. 

Bellamy let out a little growl at her words and quickly turned her over and pulled her up to her hands and knees on the bed. He tugged her dress up and over her head and placed the smallest of kisses against her spine. She shivered in anticipation. 

"Please," she begged again. 

"So impatient," he chided but started ripping his clothes off. 

She rocked back to grind against him and his hands flew to her hips to hold her steady. 

"I'm sorry," he muttered. 

What? No! He couldn't stop now. But she shouldn't of worried because next thing she knew he was quite literally _ripping_ her panties off her. 

She was filled with desire, unable to form a sentence, so she just spread her legs a little further apart and waited with bated breath. 

He hesitated behind her and she started to whine with displeasure before suddenly he smacked her bottom. "Stop that," he scolded, "I've waited for this for _years_. I'm going to enjoy it." 

He slowly ran his hands over her core before entering her with his fingers. "So wet," he moaned approvingly. 

"Bellamy, Please!" she whined again. 

He laughed at her, but got into position behind her and without much fanfare pushed his way inside of her. They both let out moans in unison. And Clarke knew. _She was home_. She twisted her neck to look at him and his head was tipped back in ecstasy. She smiled smugly at how far gone he was. He opened his eyes and noticed her staring at him and leaning forward to give her the dirtiest kiss she had ever experienced. It was like he was trying to lick the taste off her. 

She turned back ahead and he rested his forehead against her back in between her shoulder blades. 

"So beautiful," he growled as he started to move, "so tight for me, so small. Perfect," he gasped. 

The faster they moved together the more he talked. Clarke _loved_ it. Flat-out loved it. She wasn't even sure he knew what he was saying. 

"God, never gonna let you go," he gasped. "Always mine. Gonna keep you beneath me forever. Never want you to move again. Fuck, you're gorgeous. Fucking perfect." 

Clarke started shaking beneath him at his words. Right as she came he bit her neck and growled, "Fuck, how I love you."

Bellamy came soon after her, his rhythm stuttering and him letting out an almost pained groan of pleasure. 

They both panted together trying to catch their breath and Bellamy started nuzzling Clarke's hair. They pulled apart and Clarke was worried that Bellamy would just take off afterwards - she wouldn't have blamed him - but he collapsed down onto the bed and pulled her down with him. She rested her head on his chest and listened to his strong heartbeat and let it lull her to sleep. 

Later when she woke up Bellamy was still there. 

He didn't say anything and neither did she. She just stared into his dark eyes and slowly leaned up to kiss him. It was a lazy kiss. More an exploration of what was allowed than an all consuming, devouring kiss like before. 

Bellamy pulled back and smiled at her. He didn't say anything, didn't ask any questions and for that Clarke was grateful. She didn't have any answers to give right now. 

Instead Bellamy turned on his side and spooned Clarke, one hand resting possessively on her belly and the other beneath her head. His thumb was rubbing soothing circles on the most swell of her stomach and honestly, that needed to stop if he didn't want things to go further. 

She suddenly remembered what he had said all those months ago. "They're not Dean's," she told him, "They're the doctor's. The one from all those nights ago." 

Bellamy froze behind her before chuckling to himself and resumed stroking her belly. 

"What are you going to name them?" he asked. 

Clarke twisted to look at him. "It's a surprise." 

"Are you going to still name one after Dean's brother?" 

Clarke nodded. "Yeah, I owe him that at least." 

"Are you nervous?" 

"Terrified, actually." 

Bellamy laughed and pulled her tighter against him. "You shouldn't be. You're going to be a great mom, Clarke. You already are." 

Clarke frowned thinking of Madi and all the ways she had failed her. "I could've been better." 

Bellamy didn't say anything and was quiet for so long Clarke thought he might've fallen asleep but he leaned over her suddenly. "Hey, I'm sorry." 

Clarke raised an eyebrow, "About?" 

Bellamy looked away ashamed. "I'm sorry about giving Madi the chip. I know she took it on her own free will and is doing a great job leading but she was a kid in the midst of her childhood and I stole that from her and I am _so, so_ sorry, Clarke. You'll never know how sorry I am."

Clarke stared at him, unsure what to say, before slowly nodding her head. "Thank you. I can't forgive you for it but thank you." 

Bellamy nodded too and placed a featherlight kiss on the tip of her nose and laid back down. 

They laid in silence for a few minutes before Clarke gathered the courage to speak. "You said you loved me." 

Bellamy didn't say anything, just froze in his tracks. 

Clarke turned to look at him. "Do you love _me_ or the idea of me?" 

Bellamy shook his head at her while giving her a look that let her know he thought she was crazy. "What?" 

Clarke groaned trying to figure out how to word this. "Do you love me, the fucked up, real version of me or do you love me as a concept. As the idea of me you built in your head. You can be honest." 

Bellamy looked at her carefully, "Don't take this the wrong way, Clarke, okay? But, sweetheart, you're too messy to love as a concept." 

There was a beat of silence then Clarke started laughing and leaned forward to kiss him. "Idiot," she whispered fondly. 

### 

Two weeks passed and Clarke found herself slowly being put under anesthesia so her mom and Jackson could deliver her babies. Bellamy was standing next to her. She still hadn't told him she loved him but she thought maybe it was conveyed in the way she never stopped touching him. She just wanted to take a few days to savor the slow feeling of loving him and him loving her without putting labels on it. That said, asking him to be in the delivery room certainly felt like some sort of label. And maybe that's how it would always be between them. Maybe they'd always jump a few steps in their rush to be together and later backtrack to correct their mistakes. Whatever the reason, she was beyond happy that he was there. 

"Okay, Clarke," her mother began, "count back from ten for me." 

"Ten, nine, eight," the more she counted the sleepier she got, "seven ... six ... five." She didn't make it to one. 

### 

Waking from surgery felt a lot like waking up post-praimfaya. Clarke didn't know where she was or what was going on, just that something important had happened. She forced her eyelids open and scanned the room until they landed on a familiar sight. Bellamy was sitting next to her holding something - no, _two_ somethings. She was trying to figure out what he was holding when one of the bundles moved and Clarke realized what she was looking at. She quickly sat up - or at least tried to - but fell back down into the bed, cupping her newly stitched incision. 

"Bellamy?" she asked. 

Bellamy smiled at her but didn't take his eyes of the babies - _her_ babies. "They're beautiful, Clarke. Just like you." His voice held the same awe her's had when she saw Earth for the first time. 

He finally looked up and Clarke saw the tears welling in his eyes. "Do you want to hold them?" he asked and Clarke quickly nodded. 

He stood up and carefully placed one bundle after the other in her lap. Clarke stared at them with reverence. _They were beautiful_. They both had blond hair that had the smallest of curl to it. They were more tan than she was - they probably got that from their father. The one on the right opened his eyes and Clarke saw the most beautiful shade of brown she had ever seen. His eyes were a grayish sable color and she swore that nothing in her life had ever been so beautiful. Her other son started fussing and thrashing about and Clarke had to stifle a watery laugh. So this was the little kicker. They were identical in their beauty but already Clarke could see the differences in the way they held their tiny bodies. The one on her right was all brute energy and she could tell he'd be the one giving her trouble later on. The one on the left though was all sleepy and soft, content to just stare at his mother with his squished up face. 

She bowed her head closer to them. "I love you," she whispered, "I'll never let anything hurt you as long as I live." It was a promise she'd die to keep. 

Bellamy shuffled near her and Clarke looked up and smiling, pulled him to sit behind her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her chest and pulled her against him. 

"So, what are their names?" he asked. 

Clarke didn't look away from them. "The little kicker on the right is August Wells Griffin. And the one on the left is Atticus Samuel Griffin," she whispered. They were big names to fill, but her sons would grow into them, she just knew it. 

"You gave them historical names?" Bellamy asked. 

Clarke nodded, "I wanted them to have a piece of you with them always." 

Bellamy didn't say anything, just buried his face against the back of her neck but she could feel the smile and the tears against her skin and she was filled with so much blinding love. _This was her family_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left!!! Leave a comment, tell me how this chapter was. Thanks guys!


	10. Map of the compounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This doesn't count as a chapter. This is what the compounds look like. Some of the clans decided to stay close together and others decided to spread out. Sorry for my drawing ability. This is relevant for the next chapter.


	11. Goodbye

Seven Years Later

"Mama! Wake up!" a voice screamed right before a tiny body landed on Clarke's still sleeping form.

Clarke yelped at the sudden pressure on her ribs and quickly flipped her daughter off her and onto her still sleeping husband next to her. 

"Daddy, wake up! It's my birthday!" Atlas screamed right in Bellamy's ear. 

Bellamy cracked an eye to look at his now four year old daughter before squeezing it shut again. "Atty, the sun's barely up! Go back to bed." 

"No, Daddy, no. I want birthday pancakes!" Atlas protested, squeezing her small body into Bellamy's folded arms. 

"Quiet, honey, or you're going to wake your-" Clarke began but was cut off by Atticus and August rushing into her room. 

"Mama, we're hungry," August complained, climbing onto the bed and plopping down between her and Bellamy. 

Clarke sighed, it appeared she wasn't going back to sleep. She turned to look at Atticus standing just inside the doorway. Even after all these years he was still her shy, thoughtful baby. 

"Come here, sweetheart," she encouraged and her son quickly climbed onto the bed as well. 

"Daddy! Wake! Up!" Atlas shouted pushing down on Bellamy's chest. Bellamy buried his face into his pillow with a groan. 

Atlas was definitely their little hell-raiser. They had had her three years after her brothers and despite being the younger sibling, she was constantly bossing her brothers around. 

When Atlas started pulling the pillow away, Bellamy finally sat up and scooped his daughter into his arms bringing her tight against his chest to press a good-morning kiss against her forehead. His curls were in a state of disarray, standing out each and every way just like Atlas's right now. 

"Fine, I'll get up," Bellamy grumbled jokingly, "You said something about it being your birthday?" 

Atlas nodded excitedly, giggling. She knew her daddy would never forget her birthday. 

Clarke leaned over to smooth her hair down, though it immediately stood back up. "Do you know how old you are today?" 

Atlas grinned at her mother. "I'm 90 years old!" she exclaimed proudly. 

Clarke's eyes widen comically. "My! How old you are!" 

"So old," she agreed. 

"Mama, we're hungry," August repeated again. 

Clarke sighed and stretched her arms before standing. "Do you want pancakes honey?" 

August smiled excitedly, revealing a little gap where his first tooth had just fallen out. Clarke's heart clenched, they were growing too fast. 

"Can Uncle Dean make them?" Atticus asked from the spot Clarke had just vacated. 

"No, sweetheart," Bellamy answered, pulling Atlas's hands away from his morning scruff (Clarke had made him shave that awful beard ages ago), "You know Uncle Dean and Aunt Echo are on their honeymoon. They won't be back till next week." 

"But he makes the best pancakes," Atlas complained as she jumped off the bed. 

"I can make you pancakes," Clarke offered. 

August's nose wrinkled in disgust. "No, mama. We want _good_ pancakes!" 

Clarke mocked gasped and made her way to the kitchen, her family trailing behind her. She opened the curtains on her way through the house, letting in the sunshine. She'd never get over the rolling hills of The Green even though they and the rest of Spacekru had moved here almost six years ago. There was just something about how the landscape here folded up like a crumbled up piece of drawing paper that made Clarke's heart beat a little faster. It felt right, being here. It had since the first moment Gabriel had described it to them all those years ago when she admitted she didn't want to move into one of the compounds. 

"Do you want Daddy to cook for you?" she asked Atlas, bending down to press a kiss against the crown of her dark head. Atlas was almost always glued to her side - well, when she wasn't off making trouble, that is. 

Atlas nodded and skipped to her place at the kitchen table. 

"Do you want berries in the pancakes?" Bellamy asked as he began pulling down the ingredients he'd need. 

"Yes, please," Atticus whispered up at him from his place by Bellamy's side. If Atlas was her shadow then Atticus was Bellamy's. 

Bellamy smiled down at his son. Atticus always held a special place in Bellamy's heart. Maybe it was cause he was born smaller than either of his siblings or maybe it was cause he was the quietest of their children, but Bellamy always took special care to give him his full attention when Atticus spoke. 

Bellamy reached into their makeshift fridge and frowned. He popped his head out and turned to Clarke. 

"We're out of bursting-berries. Can you go pick some from the gardens?" he asked. 

Clarke smiled and nodded. 

"Can I come?" August pipped up already standing near the door. Clarke laughed and nodded again. August loved being outside. He'd live outside if she let him. 

Clarke pulled on her shoes but let August go barefoot - that wasn't a fight she wanted to have this early in the morning - and they made their way out the door. 

The gardens was located in the far end of The Green. The Green wasn't very big, just big enough to have some communal farming fields and gardens along with the several houses the occupants of their little town lived in. Bellamy and Clarke's were by far the farthest from the rest. They liked it that way - well Clarke liked it that way. She liked having room to breathe and stretch out without having to see another person. She liked being able to go out on the porch right before sunset and looked into the distance and see only wild, raw nature undisturbed by man. It was worth the walk it took to get into town. 

August chatted up at her about every little thing he saw as they passed by the homes of their friends. Most of them were still sleeping but sitting on the porch of the smallest house was Murphy and his daughter, Yara. August immediately skidded to a stop besides Clarke upon seeing her. He gulped and hid a little behind her. 

Clarke's smile tighten. August was downright infatuated with Murphy's daughter. She was the closest in age to her boys, being born barely a year after. August would constantly bring Yara little flowers he'd find or draw her pictures. Clarke had to bite her tongue every time Emori suggested that maybe one day they'd be in-laws. She'd forgiven Murphy years ago but that didn't mean she wanted to be related to him. 

"Can I say hi, mama?" August asked, not taking his eyes off Yara. 

Clarke nodded and August raced off to Murphy's yard. 

"Morning, Clarke," Murphy called from his porch. He looked tired. His new baby must not be letting him sleep. "We still on for Atlas's party tonight?" 

"Yeah, she hasn't stopped talking about it," Clarke called back but kept moving on. 

One of the good things about living in such a small community was that everyone tended to watch each other's children for them. She'd pick August up on the way back to the house. 

She passed the schoolhouse run by Gabriel and the small house that doubled as both the clinic and Miller and Jackson's home. She walked past the barnyard with all the chicken-like birds that Echo usually ran. That was something Clarke had never expected, but Echo took to farm life better than almost everyone. She finally arrived to the cabin that marked the beginning of the farm fields where Jordan and Octavia lived and pushed onwards until she found the bursting-berry patch. They were native to this area and grew like weeds, but they tasted sweet so The Green had started growing them soon after they arrived. 

Right in the middle of the patch was Octavia with little Rory strapped to her back. Clarke genuinely smiled this time. Octavia had become her favorite person here besides from Bell and her kids. And her niece, Rory, was to die for. 

"Hi, little one," she cooed at the barely awake baby. 

Rory - named after her grandmother, Aurora - looked exactly like Miller with her big brown eyes, mocha skin, and curly hair. She was barely a year old and still had the roundness to her cheeks that made all her aunts and uncles fawn over her. When Octavia and Jordan decided they were ready to have a family the whole group was so excited. They heartbroken when after months of trying to no result they found out Jordan was sterile. Luckily Jackson and Miller had also been wanting to grow their family and had offered to be sperm donors. Nine months later Rory was born to two very adoring sets of parents and a whole gaggle of extended family to love her more than anything.

Octavia's head popped up at Clarke's voice and she smiled in greeting. "Hi, Clarke. What're you doing up so early?" 

"Same thing as you," Clarke answered gesturing to the berries Octavia was picking. "Rory's still only eating them?" 

Octavia rolled her eyes, "She has a flat-out fit every time Jordan or I try to feed her anything else. And hey, at least they're fruit." 

Clarke hummed in agreement and bent over to begin picking some. 

"How's the kids?" Octavia asked bending over as well. 

"Horrible," Clarke laughed, "Atlas woke us up right after the sun rose and then the twins came into our room as well. Any chance you're in the market for three unruly kids?" 

"Not on your life," Octavia laughed back. "I can't believe Atlas is four today. It seems like just yesterday she was being born." 

Clarke nodded. "I know! Just you wait, one of these days Rory is going to be all grown up too." 

"Don't you wish that on me! Rory's staying a baby forever. Aren't you, sweetheart?" Octavia cooed at her daughter. 

Rory smiled a still gummy smile at her mother and squealed back. She was still learning how to talk. 

"Madi's coming in tonight?" Octavia asked. 

Clarke nodded, "She should be here right before the party. She'd be here sooner but . . . well, you know." 

Octavia nodded. She did know. 

Madi had taken to her role as commander better than Clarke could have ever dared dream. She still made time to come visit them all, especially her younger siblings, but recently as unrest started brewing she'd been having a harder time slipping away. Now that everything was settled and the clans had started experiencing a population boom, everyone felt secure enough to begin picking petty fights. Skaikru, Trishanakru, and Boudalankru had formed an alliance against Trikru. Nothing too serious yet, just a refusal to do trade. They were still bitter about how most of Trikru had supported Blodreina for so long during the bunker years while they had suffered and lost most of their clans to the fighting pits. It was an unlikely alliance but they had bonded over a shared geography and a common threat from a more active than usual forest. The Great Forest, as their land had been come to be called, was made up of a different type of trees than any of the other compounds. Even without the eclipse, they released a toxin that made the inhabitants more irritable than usual. The alliance was quickly becoming a threat. Trikru, in a wise move, had decided to build their compound near the swamplands, deep in a reclusive part of the forest. It seemed they also hadn't forgotten the role they had played in the bunker. 

The rest of the clans, thank god, had decided to stay out of it and remain neutral but if Madi wasn't careful there'd be a war on her hands soon enough. 

It made Clarke all the more glad that she had decided against living in one of the compounds and had instead chose to settle near the more peaceful clans. Even then she stayed up most nights worrying about her daughter who was caught in the middle of it all. She was beyond grateful that Dean and Echo had decided to honeymoon in Ingranronakru's compound. The plain riders were closet to The Great Forest and hopefully they'd bring back information of how likely a war was. 

"It's going to be okay, you know," Octavia comforted. She knew how worried Clarke was about Madi. 

Clarke smiled back. "I know. Everything's going to work itself out." 

And for the first time in her life, Clarke believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of this fic! Yay! It took forever. Dean and Echo got married. Spacekru along with Gabriel live outside of the compounds in The Green. Miller, Jackson, Octavia, Jordan, Clarke, Bellamy, Emori, and Murphy are all parents! I was thinking of writing a companion piece from Dean's perspective about how he made it into the bunkers and his relationship with Echo, it might cover some of the foreshadowing I wrote at the end of this chapter. But idk. Tell me if you think it's a good idea. Thank you so much for reading this. I really appreciate it!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting anything to Ao3. I'd love any feedback. Idk if I'm going to add anymore to this. Thanks for reading.


End file.
